Ambulance Chaser!
by Inflamed
Summary: John Gage faces a personal crisis after a life changing accident. Can his partner and crew of Station 51 help him get past it?
1. Chapter 1

Ambulance Chaser

Johnny heard the wail of the siren in the distance. The hairs on the back of his neck prickled and he felt queasy. For the fourth time today, he froze as his partner and friend Roy DeSoto asked for something.

"Johnny I need that butterfly now!" Roy looked at the distracted paramedic. "You okay?" They were at the scene of an automobile accident and it seemed Gage had been distracted once they had arrived. He had asked for things a minimum of three times before he got them. Usually his partner anticipated what was needed and had them ready as he called Rampart for direction. Now he felt he was working with a damn boot again.

"I'm fine. Just fine," Gage went into the drug box, pulled out the butterfly and handed it to his annoyed partner.

Roy had been watching Johnny for the past week and knew something was going on. Johnny was quiet and distracted. It had been a month since the accident and he was happy to get his partner back, but something had changed.

"You go ahead Roy. I'll follow in the squad," Gage let his partner take in the victim, again.

DeSoto stood opened mouth, but his dark haired partner had made no moves towards the ambulance.

"All right Johnny I'll meet you at the hospital," Roy climbed in and looked through the window as Gage stood there his arms at his side and a frown on his lips.

Closing his eyes, the dark haired paramedic relieved that horrible day once again as the ambulance pulled away with their latest victim.

_Paramedic John Gage could see the large truck coming and could do nothing to stop it. He hunched over his victim, heard the screech of tires, the crunch of metal and then nothing. Almost pure blackness and pain. Horrible retching pain. He closed his eyes._

He had woken up in the hospital his whole body in pain and his memory sketchy. Gage was out for six weeks, only it seemed a lifetime ago. Now back at work, he was finding his heart racing, his pulse and respiration quicken with the sound of ambulance sirens. The emergency room was filled with noxious scents and sounds where he found out he might puke his guts out at any moment. Now Roy was giving him glaring looks as he once again rode in with the patient for the sixth time this shift, not counting all the other shifts DeSoto had ridden in with victims. So far his partner hadn't said a word, but it wouldn't last. John would have to bite the bullet and try to work through his fear, one more time.

Roy was tired, for the past shift he had ridden in with the patients and answered all the doctor's questions, whereas his partner was among the missing. The sandy haired paramedic had found him out in the squad, doing what he wasn't sure. Well after this latest run he was going to have a talk with junior about his unprofessional behavior.

Slamming the squad door got his partner out of his stupor as he slid into the driver's seat and turned sideways and looked at the errant man.

"Okay Johnny we have to talk!" Roy said harshly, his voice vibrating in the cab.

"About what?" Gage answered innocently enough but knew what was on his partner's mind.

"I'm getting tired of riding in the ambulance, that's what. You know we are a team right? I don't like acting like I'm by myself. Whatever is bothering you get your head out of your butt and you'll take the next patient to Rampart. Got that Junior!" Roy ordered.

"Sure Roy. I understand," on the ride back to quarters, John stared out of the window of the squad, willing himself to be strong when they got the next call.

Unfortunately for Johnny it wasn't long after dinner when they got the next call, it wasn't until they were at the scene and he heard the wails of the sirens, his heart leapt to his

throat.

Once their patient was stabilized, Johnny chocked down the bile in his throat and climbed into the back of the ambulance.

So here he was riding in the back of the ambulance, forcing his mind to stay in the present and not the day of the accident. Gage forced himself to breathe normally but was finding it difficult.

"Hey you okay Johnny," Ryan looked over at the paramedic, touching him on the shoulder.

"Just fine," Gage swallowed down the bile in his throat.

"Squad 51 do you read?" The biophone squawked.

"Squad 51," the shaken paramedic pressed down on the receiver.

"Squad 51 this is the second request, please advise of patients vitals," the phone grew quiet.

The dark haired paramedic did a quick recheck of the patient's vitals and called back to Rampart. He was never so glad to see the ER doors once they reached the hospital. However, once through the automated door, the smells, sights and sounds assaulted his senses again.

Once the attendants had put the patient in room three and Johnny saw the doctors had everything under control, Gage split as far away as he could from the ER. His hands were shaking with the biophone, then he saw the squad, he opened the bays and put the equipment back, slamming the doors shut.

Feeling light headed he climbed into the squad, laying his head against the back of the seat. He tried to get his heart from leaping out of his chest and calm his ragged breathing.

Paramedic Roy DeSoto was looking for his errand partner, he had sworn he had helped him into the back of the ambulance, had followed him into the ER but now he was gone. Going to the nurse's station he located Nurse Dixie McCall.

"Hey Dix. You seen Johnny around?" DeSoto's worried eyes looked at the friendly nurse.

'I did see him go into treatment room three, after that I couldn't tell you. Think he's after some nurse?" Dixie asked playfully, smiled and leaned on the counter.

"No, I don't think so," the sandy haired man shook his head, now worried about his missing partner. "I'm going to check the squad, see if we need anything."

"I'll be right here," she leaned on the counter and wondered what had transpired at the scene.

DeSoto was worried since Johnny was never one to just leave, walking around the passenger side of the squad he saw his friend reflected in the rearview mirror. Gage's color was way off and his breathing irregular.

Clearing his throat he watched as Gage sat up and finger combed his hair.

"There you are Johnny," DeSoto leaned on the door. "I've been looking for you."

"Been right here all the time partner," Johnny gave a weak smile, "once the patient was situated of course. All the equipment is back in the squad. Let's go."

"Wait not so fast Johnny I need to see if we need any supplies," Roy opened the bay and took out the drug box.

Gage had all ready did an inventory in the back of the ambulance to keep his mind occupied and knew they were in desperate need of supplies. Trying to smile, DeSoto looked at him.

"You stay with the squad, give me the handy talkie. I'll be right back," Roy slammed the bay door and stalked off.

Looking at his retreating partner in the rearview mirror, the dark haired paramedic wondered if Roy knew of his problem. A deep seated horrible problem which could ruin his career of paramedic. Rubbing his hands over his eyes, Johnny tried to relax and not think of their next call.

*****

The ride back to the station had been quiet, Johnny quickly left the squad and headed out to the basketball court. Taking the ball he bounced it a few times and threw it into the hoop a few times. He could feel eyes staring at him but he refused to turn around.

"So dinner's ready Gage," Chet snickered. "You plan on being here all night."

"NO," Johnny threw the ball squarely into Kelly's stomach as he flinched and went down.

"You don't play fair Gage," Chet gasped.

"Neither does the phantom," Johnny patted Chet on the head and walked to the day room.

****

The sleeping quarters were quiet and Johnny pretended to sleep, but he was praying for a call, any call to get him out of bed. He didn't know if he could trust himself. The nightmares seemed to come at the oddest time. When he was home safe the past few weeks he had gotten little sleep. Waking up sweating, his heart beating and chest heaving, sleep seemed to be useless. Luckily the klaxons sounded and off he went saved by the rescue.

****

Roy was busy mowing his lawn since the honey do list never ever seemed to end. However, his mind wasn't on the grass but his partner. For three weeks he had asked him over for dinner on their days off and he had been turned down politely. But he knew something had been bugging Johnny. He had tried to hide it, but Roy knew it was big.

Since Johnny's accident, DeSoto had noticed a decidedly shift in his partner's demeanor. Gage never to be quiet, had suddenly grown so and hadn't stayed in the dayroom much during shift. Something was definitely bothering his partner and it was time to get to the bottom of it.


	2. Making due

AC2

Johnny wasn't exactly looking forward to going to work. He had seen that look on his partner's face before and knew he was in trouble. Thinking of calling in sick, he knew he wouldn't be doing anyone a favor. His lack of character ate at him.

His problem he had seen Roy bounce back after his ambulance accident. Roy was unflappable; nothing seemed to get to him. Not losing patients, Chet, nothing bothered his partner, except maybe for him.

Changing into his uniform, there was no sign of his partner and he reluctantly went into the bay, waiting roll call. Chet, Marco, Mike showed up and now Gage was getting worried. If Roy was sick, he would be lead man and it sent chills down his back.

Stanley came in with a frown.

"Roy won't be in. His wife is sick and had to go to the hospital," Hank started.

Gage could all ready feel the sweat on his back and noticed he had a hard time focusing.

"John, Brice will be coming in so your squad is down until he reports," Cap looked at the stricken paramedic.

"John?" Stanley noticed his paramedic was ashen faced.

"Sure Cap," Johnny forced out, feeling nausea he waited until chores were assigned and he quickly made it to the head. Wiping his mouth, he felt much better and then washed his face with cold water. HE could do this.

Brice showed up leaving the dark haired paramedic no choice. Showing him the squad, the perfect paramedic was all ready getting on his frayed nerves. The tones sounded and John slid into Roy's seat, the blond haired paramedic frowned as Gage headed towards their first call of the day.

Luckily for Gage the victim didn't need transport to Rampart and he breathed a sigh of relief.

"You okay Gage?" Craig looked at his temporary partner. "You know I heard some things about you."

"I could say the same about your Craig," John said more forcefully then he wanted. What he wanted to do was see what happened to Joanne. She was a friend as much as Roy and he would try calling Roy once back at the station.

"Look Gage I understand why you're upset with your partner gone. But Roy was much better partner, you must not get involved with your victim, otherwise you will be doomed," Brice said with confident.

"So tell me Brice do you get involved with anyone other than yourself?" John slammed the squad door and headed towards the phone. Putting his dime in he dialed the DeSoto house and the phone rang and rang and rang. After replacing the headset, Gage was now becoming worried. He found Hank in the office.

"Hey Cap," John walked towards Hank. "Did Roy say what was wrong with Joanne? I mean how serious it is?"

Hank shrugged, "I just know Roy was really upset and said he would call when he had a chance, so far he hasn't called."

"Any idea what hospital?" Johnny was getting concerned. He needed Roy here, now not the perfect paramedic.

"I'm sorry John. You know just as much as I do," Hank went back to the paper not before the tones sounded again.


	3. Chapter 3 Changing Plans

Ac3

Driving the squad, John realized he had been looking at this the wrong way. His prayers had been answered, Brice was his answer. The paramedic would eat it up to go into Rampart with the patient, and then he could take his sweet time getting there. It was brilliant and Brice wouldn't have a clue.

***

Brice locked up the squad, forcing Gage to take extra steps to deal with a victim. But he kept repeating his mantra. _Roy isn't here. Roy isn't here._

"Rampart this is squad 51 how do you read?" John was chipper as he called in.

"This is Rampart base we read you loud and clear," Doc Brackett's calming voice answered.

"Rampart we have a female victim, aged ten. Ran into a parked car, vitals to follow," Gage looked at Brice who quickly took vitals and relayed them back.

"Squad 51 is the patient conscious?"

"Negative Rampart," both men heard the wailing of the ambulance and for once John held his cool.

"Start victim on d5w TKO and relay vitals in five minutes. Is the ambulance there?"

"10-4 Rampart to d5w and ambulance," John started the IV and watched as the attendants pulled up with the gunnery. The victim's mother stood off in the distance and watched the paramedics work.

"Brice why don't you take the patient in huh?" John said casually and he swore he thought he saw dust as Brice went into the ambulance.

Life was sweet indeed, John thought climbing into the squad.

For two shifts, the dark haired paramedic actually slept knowing he wouldn't be riding in an ambulance or have to rush into the ER. Sighing he went back to sleep until the morning tones sounded.

Yes life was good as he headed home and some much needed beach time. Lying out in the sun, Gage felt good. He was getting tanned and watched the surfers, yes it was good to be John Gage and living in sunny Southern Cal.

Going to the snack bar, he picked up a few girls phone numbers his day complete knowing he would report back on shift and Brice would be there to pick up his slack. John chuckled to himself as the world's perfect paramedic didn't even realize he was eating out of his hand. Sure he could be a major pain in the butt but right now Brice was saving his butt. Although the last call was kinda rough, Brice didn't bat an eye riding in the ambulance.

****

Going into his next shift, Johnny was whistling as he got dressed, he heard the door open and his mouth feel open.

"Hey Johnny," Roy headed to his locker.

"You're back!?" Gage stood stunned.

"Yeah, I'm back," Roy smiled and continued to change.

"But you're back!?" John felt his stomach fall and the hairs on the back of his neck stand up.


	4. Chapter 4Covering Up!

AC4

"Well it's nice to be wanted," Roy slammed his locker shut and walked to the bay.

Johnny frowned and quickly changed making it just before roll call.

Glad he cleaned out the dorms while Roy was doing hose, they didn't talk until their first call. But he did the talking, all the talking without a response from his partner.

"So how is Joanne?" Gage asked tentatively once on the road to the call. Unfortunately his partner was all business.

Once at Rampart, Roy again remained silent as he filled supplies and made a hasty exit, since Roy took over patient care.

The only nice thing about Roy being mad at him is he took the ambulance in, the bad thing is his partner refused to talk to him.

"C'mon Roy. I said I'm sorry," John tried again on the ride back to quarters. "I'm really glad you're back. How's Joanne?"

Roy looked at him and then at the road. "Like you care?"

"But Roy I'm sorry. I mean what happened to Joanne? Is she okay? C'mon you're killing me here," Gage pleaded to deaf ears.

DeSoto ignored his partner the rest of the shift as Gage tried to talk to him.

"C'mon Roy. What the hell happened to Joanne? Nobody knew anything, please Roy," John poured his partner a cup of coffee and placed some cookies next to it. Dinner was over and the day was winding down. Johnny didn't like a mad Roy. Roy always got even somehow.

"Yeah Roy tell us," Marco looked at the senior paramedic.

"She twisted her ankle real bad, Marco," Roy looked directly at his shift mate, ignoring John. "We went to the ER to make sure it wasn't broken. So I took care of the house while she rested. She finally threw me out of the house said I was driving her crazy." DeSoto sipped his coffee.

"Rough break," Hank came in, hearing the last bit. "My wife is the same way. Hates me underfoot, you know." He poured himself a cup of coffee.

"So John did you tell him how it was working with Brice," Stanley waited and leaned against the counter.

"Aw Cap did you have to bring up that?" John's chair scrapped on the floor as his paramedic partner gave him daggers.

"He had Brice?" DeSoto pushed the cookies away. "Just great. Just great."

"Hey he wasn't a problem," Johnny smiled. "Once you know how to handle him." Rubbing his fingernails on his chest and gloated.

"Oh great," Roy had reached his limit and stood up. "What did you do Johnny? Tell me so the next time you're out I can control him."

"Well um," the dark haired paramedic blushed. "Really Roy it wasn't a big deal." John turned around and started to wash his cup.

"Well from what Brice said," Chet sauntered in and poured himself a cup of coffee. "Johnny let him ride in the ambulance with all the victims. He felt real good at it seeing all Gage had to do was drive the squad."

"I did more then just drive the squad, Chet," Johnny turned around, his hands on his hips "I called Rampart, took vitals, started IV's. I didn't just drive the damn squad. Besides what the hell do you know?" Gage stomped out of the dayroom and headed to the back of station.

"Mighty touchy," Mike came in. "Johnny looked like he could spit out nails. What did you do Chet?" He poured himself a cup of coffee.

"Me," Chet pointed to himself. "Ask Roy here. I only told the truth, unlike Gage."

"Gentlemen just settle down and we have work to do, you twits," Stanley tried to gain control.

TONES SOUNDED AND ALL HANDS WERE ON DECK.

Roy looked at his partner as John looked out the window. Another unknown rescue. Another surprise, which he didn't need now. All morning he couldn't get Johnny do shut up and now he was quiet, deathly quiet and only spoke when spoken too. DeSoto again took the ambulance in, hoping it would be their last call of the night.

Turning in John was tired, real tired and hoped he would sleep without dreams. It had been a large structure fire, with three engines and five hours work. The hot shower relaxed him as he crawled into bed. Snuggling in, his arm over his eyes, he quickly fell asleep.

But his sleep was just as quickly interrupted with his nightmare. He was in the back of the ambulance, concentrating on his patient, his biophone and drug box at the ready as he checked vital signs and relayed them back to Rampart. He was partly aware of the screeching brakes and then his world changed. He wasn't sure how many times the ambulance rolled; all he remembered was being unable to move and something heavy on his chest. He couldn't breathe or open his eyes but he heard Roy's voice.

"Johnny," Roy whispered, "Johnny," DeSoto saw his partner twisted in his sheets and blanket afraid he would hurt himself. "John," Roy touched him on the arm.

"HUH?" Johnny sat up to be strangled by his sheets.

"Calm down Junior. You're all tangled up," Roy carefully removed the sheets. "You okay?"

John nodded still wondered how his sheets had gotten so twisted. "Thanks Roy and I'm really sorry." Gage whispered.

"It's okay Johnny really. Go to sleep," Roy crawled back to his bed.

But the dark haired paramedic couldn't go back to sleep, turned on his side and stared at the wall next to him the rest of the night.

Roy looked at his partner sleeping. The accident was only a few weeks ago and he thought for sure he had lost a partner and friend. The ambulance was twisted metal, glass and blood. He wasn't sure how long he stood there until the other squad pulled up. Gage was trapped under the gurney with their patient and tried to move.

'JOHNNY DON'T MOVE!" Roy screamed and watched as his partner became still, too still.

Looking at his sleeping partner DeSoto fell into a restful sleep until morning tones sounded.

Saying goodbye, Roy and John went their separate ways at the shift change.

****

Feeling guilty, John pulled up to the DeSoto house and took the items out of his car. His arms fully loaded he headed towards the front door, thankful the DeSoto's were home.

Joanne opened the door, leaning on crutches and her ankle wrapped securely.

"Hey Joanne," John pushed a bouquet of flowers at her. "These are for you, oh and I brought steaks and beer."

"There beautiful Johnny, come in." She waved him in.

"Oh I'll take everything just point me the way," Gage followed Joanne to the kitchen. She went to work putting the flowers in a vase.

"Jo, honey," Roy came in the kitchen to see his partner.

"What are you doing here?" Roy exasperated he wouldn't have to deal with his partner for a day.

"Um, I brought steaks and beer and…."

"This bouquet isn't it beautiful," Joanne beamed.

Roy reached into the fridge and pulled a can of beer out.

"Uh, Roy it isn't really cold and…"

DeSoto turned and left him alone with his wife.

"Hey Roy," John followed Roy to the backyard.

"So you think steaks," Roy sat down on a lawn chair and popped the beer, "beer and roses will fix things?"

"Well it's a start isn't it?" Johnny looked at him. "Besides I thought you accepted my apology?"

"I did, doesn't mean I have to like it. Brice? Brice drives me up a wall and you like him. Your insanity is confirmed," Roy laughed.

"Huh, yeah," John sat down next to him hoping his secret was still safe.

"Just letting you know Johnny you're taking all the patients in next shift, k," Roy stated as he sipped his beer.

"Not a problem Roy. Not a problem," as John's stomach did handsprings.


	5. Chapter 5

AC5

John smiled at Roy's announcement and tried to not it bother him. Roy, will Roy was Roy, after he got hit by that car in the ambulance, he just brushed it off. Like it was nothing, he even slept like a baby at his apartment. He was just weak, that's all. Just plain weak.

The evening progressed with the children coming home and Roy grilled the steaks. However, his appetite had left and he had to choke down half a steak. Using the kids as a distraction, he kept them laughing and entertained as the table was cleared.

Roy noted John's half eaten steak and barely sipped beer. But to all appearances Uncle Johnny was at his finest. His children laughing and playing was something he never got tired of seeing. His days and nights as a paramedic helped him appreciate the little things in life.

Getting late, Johnny said his goodbyes and headed to his apartment. Roy, will he would deal with his problem and it was his problem. Mind over matter, a simple adjustment like Brice and life would return to normal. Snapping his fingers, Gage knew it would be just so.

***

For the next few weeks, John found himself able to ride in the ambulance again. In fact, everything was perfect. Roy and he worked as a team again. DeSoto no longer gave him those discontented looks. Even his shifts were now back to normal, like his eating habits.

"Got enough there Johnny," Chet teased as the paramedic filled his plate again.

"I'm hungry, Chet. We didn't eat lunch today and I'm making up for it," John spoke as he shoved another fork of food in his mouth.

"Be careful there Gage," Stanley winked, "You're starting to lose that girlish figure of yours."

"Um, oh, thanks Cap," John took another slice of bread.

Roy slept better too, now he could sleep without watching over his partner.

***

The dark haired paramedic arrived early for his shift, his night spent tossing and turning and reliving the accident. He could do this, he knew he could. He wasn't sure why he had trouble sleeping the night before. Over at the DeSoto's the evening had gone well and the Roy mentioned about some additional training at Rampart. Training never seemed to end, Johnny thought. Sighing as he drove home, he could handle it to, because it wouldn't be at the ER but at headquarters.

Roll call, came and went as he worked on hoses, then he was toned out. Gage concentrated on Roy's orders and then got into the ambulance. Staying focused on the patient helped until he heard the driver cuss and swerve slightly. It was the last thing he remembered.

DeSoto pulled the squad in time enough to see two gurneys his partner on one of them.

"What the hell happened?" He looked at one of the attendants and then at Gage. His partner was ashen faced and diaphoretic.

"Don't know Roy. One minute he was checking the patient the next he was out like a light," he shook his head.

John was stretched out on a gurney, unconscious and unresponsive as Roy took over the care of their patient and the dark haired paramedic was wheeled into another treatment room. DeSoto's thoughts on his unconscious partner.

Roy followed the patient in as Brackett took him, Early took John, once released the sandy haired paramedic went to check on his partner.

He saw the portable x-ray machine leave and approached Early.

"How's he doing?" Roy could see his partner hadn't moved since being brought in.

"Has he been complaining of any headaches or nausea?" Early checked Gage's pupils again.

"No, no in fact it's like its back to normal you know," Roy crossed his arms in front of him.

"Normal?" Joe was intrigued.

"I mean for the longest time after the accident he couldn't ride in the back of the ambulance but now he's just been Johnny the last few weeks. But I don't blame him for not getting in the ambulance, but we had a long talk and I thought he was okay," Roy frowned.

Kel walked into the treatment room to see the two worried faces.

"Well?" Brackett looked at the unconscious man.

"There doesn't seem to be anything physically wrong with him Kel. I have the x-ray's stat but nothing seems to wake him. Watch," Early took an ammonia capsule out of his pocket, broke it and put it under John's nose. There was no response, not even a slight head move.

"And he hasn't been complaining of anything," Kell just Gage's pupils. "Equal and responsive."

"No, Doc nothing. Nothing at all. He gonna be all right?" DeSoto edged closer to his partner.

"We'll keep him overnight. His unconsciousness really bothers me. But we'll know more once we get the x-rays," Early nodded at Brackett.

"Good I'll come back tomorrow then," Roy tried to sound hopeful but turned as he left his prone partner.

"And Roy if we know anything more we'll call you at the station, k?" Early patted him on the shoulder.

"Sure Doc and thanks," DeSoto headed towards the squad and wondered who he'd draw as a temporary partner, he hoped it wasn't Brice because right now he just couldn't handle him.

****

John opened his eyes, looked at the ceiling and knew he was in a treatment room. He didn't remember how he got here. He looked down to see he was in a hospital gown, his clothes stacked neatly on the counter. Sitting up he felt a little lightheaded and his stomach grumbled.

Getting his clothes he quickly dressed and would find his partner. Opening the door, he could see the ER very busy and he headed towards the double doors and the waiting squad.

It was dark, John frowned, and it shouldn't be dark. Plus there was no squad, Roy had left him.

"Some partner," Gage grumbled. No matter he would walk to the station it wasn't that far.

*****

Dixie was swamped and knew she had to move John Gage to a room, his passing out and any lack of physical evidence was frustrating for Brackett. Opening up the door to the treatment room, she found the bed empty and Gage's uniform gone. Putting her hand to her mouth she did a quick check of all the treatment rooms and the waiting area. Johnny was gone! Maybe Roy had gotten her orders wrong and had taken him back to the station when he came in with one of his calls. Johnny could be very persuasive when he wanted to.

Walking quickly to the nurse's station she dialed the familiar number.

"Station 51, Captain Stanley," Hank answered the phone as all the men were in the dayroom finishing dinner.

"Hello Hank. This is Dixie McCall," she sighed, glad the men weren't on a call.

"Can I help you?" Stanley heard the catch in her voice and then looked at Roy. DeSoto looked up and saw the concern on his superior's face.

"Yes, um. Is Johnny there?" McCall tried to ask casually.

Hank looked at his nervous crew. Roy had set down his coffee cup and all the rest of the men were all ears.

"No John Gage isn't here Dixie. I thought he was to stay overnight at the hospital," Hank shrugged at Roy. Now all the men were paying attention, looking at each other for reassurance and answers.

"No he isn't Hank. We got busy and I checked the treatment room. He needs to get back here. I'll notify the police and if you find him bring him back," Dix ordered. "I'm sorry. I'm really sorry."

"It's all right. We'll be on the lookout for him," Stanley hung up the phone.

"What do you mean Johnny's missing?" Roy came over quickly to the phone wondering why his partner had disappeared from the ER.

"Roy I know much as you do and…." Hank offered. "There doing all they can and…"

"I'm going to check out back," Roy headed towards the back of the station to find John's Rover still there. He didn't know whether to be happy or sad. His partner was out there somewhere, but where.


	6. Chapter 6

AC6

Roy paced the dayroom, wondering where and why his partner had left the hospital in the first place. Sitting down on the couch he tried to read the paper.

"Roy, there is someone here to see you," Stanley walked him to the couch.

Standing up he saw Officer Vince Howard, "Roy."

"Vince. Any luck yet?" DeSoto hoped the word was passed for the missing paramedic.

"We've checked his place all ready Roy. He wasn't there. Any other place he might be?" Howard took out his notebook.

"Vince, Johnny could be a dozen places and hurt in them. I'll write them down," Roy went to the table, took out his notebook and wrote the few places he knew his partner hung out at. "Here Vince and you call me the minute you find him."

"Sure Roy, we'll find him, you can count on it," Vince waved and left the worried man.

"Roy their doing all they can to find John," Hank came over.

"Well." Roy stood up. "I screwed up; I shouldn't have pushed Johnny into doing something he wasn't ready to. I should have known," Roy looked at the floor.

"Roy, you didn't know. Hey we all thought everything was okay. Just keep the faith, huh?" Hank smiled.

"Okay, but they better find him quick. I'm climbing the walls here," Roy smiled.

*****

Johnny was very tired by the time he made it to the station, the walk seemed longer than it was and he just wanted to go home. Coming through the bay both the squad and engine were gone. Once in the locker room, Gage saw he was still in his uniform and quickly changed into his street clothes. Yes a good night's sleep was what he needed. He walked to his Rover, revved it up and headed for home.

****

It had been a hot, dirty fire and all the men of 51 needed a hot shower and a good night's rest. Roy went to the locker room to see a partially opened locker.

"JOHNNY!" Roy called and then checked the shower and toilet stalls. Not finding his partner he ran to the dorm. "JOHNNY!" DeSoto found an empty dorm then it hit him. Running to the back of the station, he stood staring at the empty space of John's car.

"OH GOD!" Roy cried.

"Roy what the hell is goin…" Stanley stopped at the empty parking space. "He was here, dammitt."

"Who was here?" Chet, Marco and Mike followed the men.

"Johnny, Johnny was here, "Roy whispered. "We need to call the police so they can look for Johnny's car. God how could I have been so stupid."

"Stay calm Roy," Cap looked at him. "I'll call the hospital and the police. John will be all right you have to believe that."

"Sure Cap, Johnny can take care of himself," Roy went back into the station; suddenly the hot shower didn't seem important.

****

Waking up a few hours later in his apartment, John found himself dressed in street clothes and remembered Dixie wanting to see him in the morning. Rubbing his eyes, he threw off the blanket from his couch and stumbled out of his apartment to his car and headed to Rampart.

At the nurse's desk he saw his favorite nurse come towards him.

"Johnny, where have you been?" McCall reached out for him.

"Home where else would I be?" John's eyes furrowed. "What's going on with everybody Dix? I go home after a shift and everybody gets uptight."

"After a shift Johnny, what... give me a minute," Dix picked up the phone and dialed. "Kell Johnny's here. Yes he's standing in front of me."

Before long, Brackett and DeSoto hurried to the nurse's station.

"Catch him," Brackett ran towards Gage as his eyes rolled backward and he fell towards the floor.


	7. Chapter 7Making a decison

_**Thank you for your lovely comments. John is still in a world of hurt. Thanks again for reading.**_

John woke up to stare at two very different eyes, Roy his partner and Brackett. He knew he was in the hospital, again.

He tried to sit up only to be pushed down by DeSoto.

"Stay," his partner said gently, his blue eyes fill of worry and concern.

"I'm not a dog Roy," Gage sat up again. Roy glared at him and he sunk back into the bed.

"Johnny what's the last thing you remember?" Brackett crossed his arms seeing what was wrong with his patient, since it didn't appear physical.

"Remember? I was on shift Doc. We came in with a patient and then I went home after shift," John looked annoyed. "C'mon what is this all about, huh? I don't want to be here."

"Well Johnny nothing showed on your skull x-rays and I'm going to have the psychiatrist come talk to you and…."

"I'm not crazy," John pointed a finger at Roy, "although my partner thinks differently." Gage crossed his arms.

"Johnny I don't," Roy frowned, "okay I called you nutty but you're still my partner and I choose only the best."

"C'mon Roy, Johnny you'll have an overnight stay," Brackett left with his partner.

Gage stared up at the ceiling, wondering what he would do, now. The shrink would find out everything and poof, his paramedic career would be over. Hell it could be over now.

The shrink came and left. The nurse brought in dinner which he ate and then he closed his eyes. Sleep would not come, turning on his side, he felt the silent tears stream down his face unable to stop them.

*****

Given a clean bill of health, Johnny returned back to work. The shrink said he was stressed and needed to stay home a few days. After one day he was climbing the wall, some stress relive. He tried hiking but it did nothing to ease his anxiousness, work would help.

Changing in the locker room for his first shift back his partner was surprised to see him.

"Johnny!" Roy gave him a concerned look.

"I got a clean bill of health Roy. So don't say a word," Gage tied his laces and went out to the bay and leaned against the squad.

Roll call done, John left with Marco to hang hoses and left Roy cleaning the dorm. The quietness of his partner bothered him. Something was going on with the partner of his and he was going to find out.

Before DeSoto was done cleaning the dorm, the squad was toned out for an unknown rescue. The engine followed behind and John stared out of the window of the squad. Concentrating on the upcoming rescue, DeSoto didn't disturb his contemplative partner but knew once they hit the scene Johnny would be in paramedic mode.

It was stable fracture and the patient was stabilized.

"Hey Johnny, I'll take them in," DeSoto took the biophone and trauma box.

"Sure Roy," John watched as Roy rode away in the ambulance and cleaned up.

"John, you okay pal?" Stanley walked over to his paramedic.

"Sure Cap just got things on my mind," Johnny smiled and headed towards the squad. Driving to Rampart he was tired of all the mother hens, everyone watched him like a hawk. He was a grown man and had taken care of himself for a long time. Pulling the squad into Rampart, he pulled out a supply list and headed towards the nurses station, to find Roy and Dixie talking, and then stop when he approached.

"Hey Dixie," John was all smiles, "got a supply list," he handed it over to her as she helped fill the list.

Dix filled up the box with supplies and they left Rampart. Roy continued to look at his partner on the way back to the barn. Once at the station, the engine was gone, but they found lunch in the oven. John had disappeared into the office trying to find a form.

"Johnny," Roy called out, "They left us lunch," DeSoto poked his head out into the bay and didn't find his partner. "JOHNNY!"

Gage quickly stuffed the paperwork in his locker and went to have lunch. He ate quickly and then walked to the dorm to make some phone calls.

On the next call, Johnny rode the ambulance in, and for once he didn't freak. Maybe those few days did something, he thought until he wheeled the patient into the treatment room. As he put the IV on the holder, the room swam in front of him and Brackett's voice sounded like it was underwater.

"Hey Doc, you need me?" John could feel the color drain from his face. Once released he quickly backed out of the room, directly onto his partner.

"Johnny, you okay?" Roy looked at his stricken partner.

"Got to go to the head," John walked quickly to the bathroom, found the nearest stall and threw up into the toilet.

On the ride back, John cursed himself and would have to face the enviable. They arrived just in time for dinner, but he really didn't have an appetite, but could feel four sets of eyes on him. Sometimes it didn't pay to have friends he thought.

In the morning he quickly changed as C-shift reported, leaving the rest of guys in the locker room. Chet snickered wondering where the fire was, laughing at his own joke and seeing Roy pensive as he dressed. As he started to walk out of the locker room he spotted a piece of paper and looked at it.

"Um, Roy, this fell out of Johnny's locker," Chet handed him the transfer sheet.

"Oh, no," DeSoto changed quickly and headed towards the back lot only to see his partner was gone. Climbing into his car he headed over to Johnny's place.

Chet heard DeSoto's car and placed the paper back in Gage's locker.

Roy thought he made good time to Johnny's place only to see his partner's Rover not there. Now he was worried, but he had to get home before his wife got worried.

Johnny had made arrangements to work some OT at 98, the brush fire station, he decided before he put in a transfer notice he would check out the station. It was always fire season in California so he knew to expect something as he pulled into the lot and took his uniform out of the back of his car.

The locker room smelled of wood smoke and knew this was a busy place. Walking into the dayroom he introduced himself to the five other guys and looked in at the two engines in the bay. The newer engines gleamed but again the smell of burnt, wood filled the air along with the makings of chili.

"Play chess Gage?" A stocky Bill Brown asked.

"Yeah sure all the time," John slid into a chair as a chess set came out of the book cabinet. "Got to pass the time somehow before all hell breaks loose, you know."

"Yeah I know," Johnny smiled.

"Listen to the city boy," Mark Hansen laughed. "He'll see. Yes, he'll see."

*****

Roy again dialed Johnny's number and let the phone ring and ring and ring.

"Is he home Roy?" Joanne wrapped her arms around her worried husband.

"No, I called everyday and there's no answer. He could be hurt somewhere honey. What do I do?" Roy sighed.

"Just wait until you report to work Roy. Johnny is a grown man," she reasoned.

"Yeah I know. I know." Roy hung up the headset.

****

Gage was tired when he pulled into 51's lot. He had battled two minor brush fires in his three days and he was bone tired. But one good thing, he had no nightmares and slept like a rock. Yes, things were looking up.

He found Roy all ready dressed and waiting for him as he went into the locker room.

"Okay where have you been Junior?" Roy sat his arms crossed and his brow furrowed.

John said nothing as he continued getting dressed.

"I asked you a question," Roy stood up, his arms still crossed and his nose flared.

Finished dressing Johnny looked at his partner. "I heard Roy and I don't have to tell you anything." Closing his locker door he headed out to the bay and waited for roll call.


	8. Chapter 8

AC8

John found out if he just concentrated on the patient in the ambulance it wasn't so bad. The ER was a different problem, no matter how hard his concentration was he always felt nauseous entering the room. Brackett always made a point of saying hello, his greeting, a thin attempt to check on his health.

"Hey Doc," Johnny made a point of saying hello to the physician, along with Dixie and anyone else he could in the ER. His partner had other plans.

"Johnny," Roy looked at him as they drove the squad from the ER. "Why are you talking to everyone?"

John looked at his partner, as if he didn't know, the quiet talks he had with the head nurse of ER every time they came in. Like he didn't know of the talks with all the ER physicians and his partner. Maybe just maybe he needed a change of scenery, a different hospital, different squad and then he would be cured.

****

It took a long hard month, but Gage managed to get some OT at 43 and Harbor General. The first few hours were slow, slow enough for him to ponder a future without being a paramedic. No, he wouldn't give it up, never, he had worked too hard.

Jim Sanders, his paramedic partner had given him the lay of the land and the hospital; he let Sanders take the lead and followed in with the ambulance without any problems. Once in the treatment room his eyes became unfocused and he felt his heart beating hard in his chest.

"John?" He heard the doctor call as he pushed himself against the door and slid down.

"JOHN!" the paramedic heard unable to respond. "GET him into treatment room 4 now. Get Doctor Collins!"

Gage felt himself being lifted up and unable to do anything, breathing was hard and he felt so weak. It seemed he was watching out of body as they took his vitals and placed the electrodes on his chest.

"Pulse is 170."

"Arrhythmia. Get the paddles."

It was the last thing John heard and drifted into blackness.

****

Waking up he could see the silhouette of his partner in the semi darkened hospital room.

"Must have been real bad to call you, Roy," John's voice called with his eyes barely open.

"Johnny?!" Roy leaned over his face etched with pain and worry.

"Boy did I mess up good this time," Gage turned his head away and stared at the wall.

"Johnny," Roy touched his partner's arm.

"I'm real tired Roy. I need to sleep," John's voice was barely above a whisper.

"Sure Junior, see you at work," Roy left wondering what had happened to his partner.

***

John sat in his car, waiting, he knew the rest of the guys had heard of his misadventure. Expecting the worst he headed into the station to change only to be stopped.

"What do you think you're doing here John?" Cap looked at him sternly waiting in his uniform and his best captain's demeanor.

"Working…I'm…," he took a few steps to be stopped.

"You are supposed to be home resting. When is your cardiologist appointment?" Stanley crossed his arms.

"Um, tomorrow morning and …" John's eyebrow's furrowed. "How did …"

"I know everything John I'm the captain. Now go home and rest and don't come back until you have a doctor's release," Hank pointed towards the back of the station.

"But Cap…I…fine," John's shoulder's slumped he headed back to his car. He couldn't rest, hell he couldn't sleep. So he drove to the beach and tried to relax.

****

Getting dressed from his examination, Gage looked at his cardiologist, a man who looked liked he needed one. Overweight and smoking heavily, a perfect contrast to Brackett.

"So tell me Mr. Gage do you have a stressful job?" The man puffed on his cigarette.

"Well doesn't everyone?" John looked at the man.

"Well the preliminary results look good. But we'll have to run a few more tests just to be sure. So I get a lot of fireman, you know. Seems your department over reacts sometimes, don't you think?" The doctor wrote some things down on his chart. "I'll see you in a few days."

"Sure doc in a few days then I can go back to work," Gage said hopefully.

"I'll let you know," the doc walked him out.

On his forced rest, Johnny stared at the TV not really watching it when his phone rang.

"Gage," Johnny mumbled.

"Johnny are you okay?" Roy asked worried.

"Yeah I'm fine why?" Gage sighed; he just didn't have the energy to deal with his mother hen partner.

"You haven't called in a few days and I was getting worried and…" DeSoto seemed to ramble on.

"You got Brice again didn't you?" Gage knew his partner's pain.

"How do you know that?" Roy sounded offended.

"Because I know Brice drives you up a wall Roy, okay. I'm tired all call you later, k," John sighed.

"Okay, you let me know when you're coming back to work, k?"

"Yeah Roy I'll let you know," John hung up the headset and wondered if he really wanted to return to work.

****

The specialist again looked at his results.

"Well Mr. Gage you're as healthy as the proverbial horse, heh, heh" the man puffed on his cigarette. "But like I said I know how hard you work. Now here are some prescriptions, one is something to help you sleep and the other is for your anxiety."

"Really Doc," John pushed the prescriptions away. "I don't need them. But can I go back to duty?"

"Oh yes. Now take the prescriptions you might need them. I'll let your department know, just relax." The doctor patted him on the shoulder.

****

In a weak moment, John filled his prescriptions leaving them in the glove compartment of his Rover. Driving to the station, he got anxious, but pushed it down. He just didn't understand it. One minute he was just fine and the next he could hardly breathe. Shaking it off he was glad to be back at work.

"Hiya Cap," Johnny gratefully handed the precious pieces of paper to his superior. "All checked out and ready to work." Gage rocked on his heels hoping for some sign of approval.

"Come with me," Stanley walked to the office and the paramedic glumly followed. "Sit."

Sitting down, John was worried his secret was out. "Uh ya Cap," he swallowed hard.

"Just welcome back John and let us do some of the work okay. I know your concern is for the victim but you have to watch yourself. Now just be a bit more careful, k," Hank smiled at him.

"Sure Cap anything you say. Uh, can I get changed now?" Johnny smiled. "Wouldn't want to be late for roll call."

"Sure go ahead," Hank laughed and was glad John was back.


	9. Chapter 9

AC9

John felt good knowing the pills were in his Rover, a safety net as he went through his shift. After a harrowing rescue on a crane, the paramedic could feel his heart racing and checked his pulse.

"You okay Johnny?" Roy looked at his careworn partner as they drove back to the barn.

"I'm fine Roy. What about you pally? You didn't seem to like being up so high, either," Gage countered.

"Johnny I respect heights okay, nothing more. If it weren't for safety equipment we wouldn't be able to do the rescues we do do," Roy said concentrating on driving.

"Relax, man, relax," John checked his pulse again knowing he would have to get a pill if he had any chance of lasting through the rest of the shift.

After the squad pulled in the dark haired paramedic practically ran to his car, climbed into the Rover and took the pill dry. He didn't feel it's effects until he was eating lunch and things didn't seem so bad. Even Chester B.'s comments seemed to fall like a light rain.

"Hey Gage what's with you?" Kelly looked hurt when his pigeon didn't respond.

"Nothing Chet. Don't you ever shut up?" Gage took his dirty plates and grabbed his shift mates and started doing dishes.

******

For the next few weeks, things were going great, until they were called to a late night fire and many injuries.

IN the ER, both John and Roy were drained as they headed back to quarters.

"Will Junior looks like we'll have time enough to shower before C shift gets here," Roy sighed, ready to go home.

Gage continued to stare out the window; the visions of the burned men flashed before his eyes and knew sleep would be impossible as he rubbed his temples.

"Hey Johnny," Roy looked at his still and quiet partner. "How about you come over for dinner tonight?" He had seen these moods before.

"Huh, you say something Roy," Johnny looked at him as they pulled into station.

"Yeah, come over for dinner tonight. I think it's been months since Joanne and the kids have seen you," Roy climbed out of the squad, his muscles protesting with each movement.

"No, I don't think so Roy. I got things to do," John followed Roy to the showers.

Johnny couldn't get home fast enough, before leaving his car he stuffed the sleeping pills in his pocket and headed to his apartment. Opening the door, Johnny looked at the bottle wondering if for once he would get good nights sleep. Going into the kitchen, Gage took a glass and filled it with water, going to his couch he sat down and pulled out the bottle.

Sleeping pills, sleeping pills, opening the bottle, he poured one out and looked at it and knew the men's burned bodies floated in front of him. Putting the dreaded pill in his mouth he drank the whole glass of water for his dehydrated body. Pulling off his shoes, he pulled the blanket over him and waited for the medicine to take effect. Within minutes his exhausted body received the sleep it had craved for weeks.

The ringing of the phone interrupted his deep sleep, getting tangled up in the blanket; Gage opened his eyes to darkness. He knew it had been morning when he took the pill, his heart racing he wondered if he had slept through the whole day, turning on a light he reached for the still ringing phone.

"Johnny?" Roy's worried voice spoke volumes.

"Hey Roy. Anything wrong?" John asked cautiously just in case he was in trouble.

"Yeah I been trying to get you all day, Junior," Roy sounded frustrated.

"Hey it's still Wednesday isn't it?" John wondered what the hell had happened.

"Of course it's Wednesday Johnny. You sure you're okay?" There was a hesitation in his partner's voice.

"Yah I was out when you called earlier," _like a damn light._

"Well you had me worried. See you tomorrow?" Roy's voice stressed.

"Of course you'll see me tomorrow, pally," John was still running his hand over his eyes, trying to lift the heavy fog which permeated his brain.

"Johnny, we're thinking of going to the beach on my next few days off and wondered if…"

"I got to go Roy. Bye," Gage hung up on his still talking partner.

"Johnny? Johnny?" Roy hung up the headset.

"Is everything okay?" Joanne watched the emotions displayed across her husband's face.

"I dunno Joanne. I really don't know."

Johnny stood up, still swaying as he went to the kitchen, made himself a PB&J sandwich and a tall glass of milk.

"I'll never take those again," John looked at the offending bottle. "Twelve stinking hours I was asleep. Twelve, man oh man." Knowing sleep would be impossible now, Gage drifted in and out until morning came and he headed towards the station.

****

For the next few days, the dark haired paramedic forgo his medication, feeling he had left his grip to reality to the pills. _Better living through chemistry hell._

"Just leave me the hell alone Chet. Don't you ever shut up?" Johnny stood up and left his surprised shift mates and headed towards the back.

"What's wrong with Gage?" Chet snorted. "He get up on the wrong side of the bed or something?"

Roy looked at Kelly, he wasn't quite sure, one minute Johnny was calm, the next a raging bull. Standing up he decided to check on his errant partner.

Johnny had climbed to the top of the hose tower looking at the freeway and the cars driving by. Probably full of cars with people who had it all together and their lives perfectly planned like his partner.

"Hey Johnny?" Roy shielded his eyes from the sun and looked at his partner. "You okay?

Gage looked down at his together partner, sighing he headed down the ladder to the ground.

"Roy I…"

Tones ended their discussion as they ran towards the squad. Johnny felt his chest constrict as he climbed into the squad, his eyes blurred as the tried to read the call address.

The squad sped away with the engine not far behind.

"Johnny what was the address again?" Roy looked at his ashen faced partner.

"Pull over the squad Roy," Johnny's voice was barely a whisper.

"Johnny?"

"I SAID PULL OVER THE SQUAD, NOW. PLEASE ROY."

Shocked by his partner's request, Roy pulled the squad over to see John jump from the cab before stopping and run a few feet up an embankment.

"What the… Stocker pull up behind the squad," Stanley looked at Gage off on the sidewalk and DeSoto standing next to him.

"Station 51, with have a code I, 10-8 at 14th and Gower," Stanley barked into the mic.

"10-4 51. Do you need an ambulance?" The dispatcher asked.

"Will let you know, 51."

"10-4 51."

"Johnny," Roy approached his partner carefully, bending down to see him shocky and diaphoretic.

John looked up, red faced his partner had seen him this way and saw the vomit on the ground.

DeSoto stood up and walked to the squad to get a blanket.

"What's going on Roy?" Hank looked at his shocked senior paramedic.

"I dunno Cap. One minute he was just fine and the next. I'm going to check on him," Roy had a blanket and the trauma box.

"Sure go ahead."

Roy ripped the packaging of the blanket and wrapped it around his partner, who seemed dazed and confused. "Johnny I'm going to take your vitals okay."

"Stay away from me Roy. I'm trouble," Gage tried to push his partner away only to fall on his elbows.

"Cap I think we're going to need an am…"

"No, God no ambulance Roy," Gage's brown eyes were terrified.

"How about the…" then he had remembered his partner's face.

"Roy, what the …"

"No ambulance Cap. I think it would make things worse and no squad," Roy shook his head.

"How about the engine Roy?" Looking at one of his own down and distressed.

"John, how about you ride in the engine to Rampart, huh?" Hank had bent down to the dark haired paramedic.

"Engine?" John slowly turned his head and nodded.

"Good man. Chet you ride with Roy, we're going to Rampart," Hank helped the young man in Chet's place. "Mike call it in. 10-8 to Rampart."

"Sure Cap," Mike looked at Gage and shuddered.

On the drive to Rampart, Stanley took a long hard look at the junior paramedic and wondered how long he had missed the signs. The deep frown lines, the bags under the eyes and the unfocused eyes. So much for being a captain.


	10. Chapter 10

AC10

Senior Paramedic Roy DeSoto stood transfixed on his still, diaphoretic friend and partner in the treatment room.

"BP is 150/80," Morton stated.

"Pulse is 100," Dixie stated, "respirations 20."

"I don't understand this," Kel Brackett looked at his patient. "Roy, could you tell me exactly what happened."

Roy stood staring at the ashen faced man.

"Roy!"

"Huh Doc," the paramedic looked into the doctor's eyes.

"I want you to tell me exactly what happened."

Roy held tightly onto the HT as it cut into this hand.

"Um, we were going to a call, you know and then Johnny asks me to pull over the squad. He's never done that, ever. So I pull over the squad," DeSoto ran his hand over his face; "he doesn't even wait for me to stop and jumps out of the cab. He runs over to the embankment and starts puking his guts out. Doc, he wouldn't even let me near him," Roy bit his lower lip.

"And?" Brackett crossed his arms.

"Well the engine pulls up and the Cap wants to know what's going on," DeSoto shrugged, "I didn't even know what was going on but I knew we had to get Johnny here. I mentioned ambulance and I swear to God he backed away from me so Cap suggested the engine. Johnny was dazed, shocky, and diaphoretic and I couldn't help him." Roy looked at the floor, "I wrapped him in a blanket and put him in the engine." Roy looked up at the ER doctor, "but when we got here he was terrified of the ER, we've been here a million times and then he just passed out." Roy's eyes misted.

"Nothing else. Is Johnny on any medication?" Brackett looked at his unconscious patient.

"Medication? I dunno Doc, not like he'd tell me," DeSoto pointed to his junior partner.

"Do you know the last doctor he saw?" Brackett was trying to get information from the distraught paramedic.

"A cardiologist, from the department, you know after Johnny had his attack," Roy bit his lip again. "Johnny's going to be all right isn't he Doc?" Roy walked closer to the bed. "Isn't he?"

"Roy, if I have anything to do about it I will. Dixie," Kel pointed to Roy.

"Let's go get some coffee Roy," Dixie took Roy's elbow and guided him out of the treatment room. Roy continued to look back at his partner.

*****

Johnny opened his eyes to find every part of his body hurt and again, he was in a hospital room. Bits and pieces of what happened filtered through his exhausted brain and the realization of what he had done in front of his friends. Swallowing hard, he tried to keep his emotions in check. He began thinking of what new career he could chose because he finally had to face he could never be a fireman again.

Seeing a thin stream of light he saw his favorite nurse enter the room.

"Johnny you should be asleep," Dixie chided. "How do you feel?" She touched his elbow.

"Like a Mac truck ran over me and believe me I know how that feels," Johnny answered sarcastically.

Dixie winced at the paramedic's morbid humor and went to the other side of his bed, where his IV was.

"You know Dix, I think I'll become a park ranger, you know they get to carry guns," John clasped his hands together, placed them on his stomach and stared at the ceiling.

"And why would you change career? You're still my favorite paramedic," Dixie pulled a syringe out of her pocket.

"Well Dixie," the dark haired paramedic continued to stare at the ceiling, "It's hard being a fireman, you know, when you can't go into a fire station, an ambulance, a squad or even an ER. But," John said happily, "I can still ride on the engine."

The nurse stuck the syringe into the cannula and pushed the liquid into the IV.

Johnny watched as she did. "You're cheating you know Dix."

"You need your sleep Johnny. Besides you shouldn't be making life changing decisions when you're exhausted. You need your sleep," she said gently.

"Sleep is for amateurs Dixie. Besides sleep is overrated," Johnny yawned and fought the drug effects.

Dixie watched as Johnny finally succumbed to the drugs, however it wasn't a restful sleep and she hoped Kel Brackett would be able to help her tortured friend.

Going to the ER Dixie found Brackett in his office and sat down, exhausted.

"You're right Kel, he wasn't asleep. He said sleep was for amateurs," Dixie tried to laugh but just couldn't.

Kel stared at Johnny's chart.

"You know Dixie I've been watching Johnny like a hawk and I still didn't catch it. I think he's lost like ten pounds," Kel sighed.

"Yeah, well I don't like this John Gage one bit either, or his humor," Dixie crossed her arms.

"Really," Kel looked up, "I've always found it be dry."

"Yeah, well," Dixie stood up. "I don't like morbid."

"Morbid? Like what?" Brackett was now curious.

"Well I asked Johnny how he felt and he replied like being hit by a Mac truck and he all ready knew what that felt like. I thought…." Dix sighed. "Anyway back to work."

"Mac truck, huh?" Kel leaned back on his chair. "So that's the problem."

****

Gage squinted as the bright sunshine flooded his room. A pretty student nurse brought in his breakfast. It was disgusting but if he was getting out he had to eat.

"Uh nurse," Johnny smiled and turned on what little charm he had.

"Yes Mr. Gage," the girl said politely.

"Could you do me a favor?" John smiled again.

"Sure," she returned his smile.

"Um, I don't want any visitors, I mean other than doctors and any chance I can get rid of this phone?" He pointed to a port of entry he didn't want.

"I'm afraid I can't get rid of the phone, but I can leave orders you don't want phone calls. Would that be all right?" she asked naively.

"That would be perfect Nurse?" John sighed inwardly not wanting to face his shift mates feeling embarrassed at breaking down in front of his friends and shift mates.

"Nancy Marsh."

"Thanks Nurse Nancy Marsh," Gage sighed, "and any chance I can get seconds?"

"Oh sure. I'll be right back," Marsh disappeared as Johnny choked down his food.

Morbid humor.


	11. Chapter 11

AC11

Roy was quiet throughout the rest of his shift along with the rest of the crew. They were all thinking of John and his breakdown and why they didn't see it before. DeSoto had all ready called his wife telling her he would go to Gage's apartment pick up some things and head to the hospital since he hadn't seen him before he went back to work.

A musty smell hit Roy as he opened the door to Gage's apartment; taken aback he looked at the clean apartment and was tempted to air it out. Walking into the living room he found an Indian blanket on the couch and an empty glass on the coffee table, from the living room he found the bedroom door open and a perfectly made bed.

In the bedroom, DeSoto opened a few drawers, pulled out some clothes, pajamas, robe and slippers stuffing them into duffel. Sitting on the made bed worried him, the only time Johnny made his bed was in the station. He saw the blanket from the bedroom and thought about the past few weeks. His partner had been sleeping with his face to the wall and never a word from him. Too many times a call had gotten to them both and they would both talk from their beds like teenagers. But not these last few weeks.

Standing up he headed towards the bathroom and toiletries. He opened up the medicine cabinet when a medicine bottle caught his attention. _Sleeping pills?_ Opening up the bottle he counted twenty nine pills, reading the scrip was for thirty. Scratching his head, he remembered when he called Johnny who seemed really confused. Feeling like a thief he checked his friend's medicine cabinet for any other drugs and found none. Taking toothbrush, toothpaste, and other sundry items he would need Roy stuffed them in the duffle.

Feeling the need to do something, Roy went to his partner's kitchen and started cleaning. On the counter sat a jar of peanut butter, jelly, clean knife and half a loaf of white bread. Curious he opened the fridge to find a half empty carton of milk. Concerned he opened every cupboard to find nothing, nothing. In the trash he found a few bits and pieces, no pizza boxes, fast food wrappers or empty containers. Thinking he knew Johnny had washed dishes without complaint. Hell, he wasn't even sure his partner had eaten any dinner. Johnny had kept the table entertained with some story or baiting Chet and then Gage had no dessert which was unusual because his partner always ate dessert. _Some damn partner I am._

More than anything he had to see Johnny and let him know he was with him. Once out of the apartment and in his car, Roy's mind raced why he didn't see the signs. He knew the first one was Gage's half eaten steak and half drunk beer and he ignored it.

Pulling into the visitors parking, hanging tight on the duffle made him feel better since he was doing something for his friend. For once he didn't know Johnny's room number and went to the visitor's desk. A smiling young woman greeted him.

"Hello," DeSoto smiled.

"Hello, can I help you?" She smiled back.

"Yes I need to know the room number of John Gage please. He was checked in last night." Roy leaned on one foot anxious to see his friend.

The woman looked at her sheet and then Roy.

"I'm sorry sir I can't give you that information," she said calmly.

"Can't give me his room number?" Roy's jaws clenched. "Listen I work with him. I've never not been able to see him. So what room is he in?"

"Like I said sir I'm not able to give you that information and…"

"Let me talk to your supervisor!" Roy demanded.

"Sure, just a minute," the woman disappeared and an older woman appeared.

"Yes sir," she seemed more mature.

"Look I wanted the room of John Gage. We work together and well I need to see him," Roy pulled up the duffle, "I brought some things for him."

The supervisor reached her hand out for the duffle and Roy jerked it away.

"I can make sure your friend gets it sir," she jerked back her hand.

"No thank you. I'll do it myself," Roy stormed out of the lobby wondering who had lost a screw.

****

John continued to stare at the ceiling, only moving his bed up to eat and thankful for the silence. Since he knew he wouldn't be going back to the station, his appetite had returned and he was dying for a hamburger, but he couldn't face his friends. He paid little attention as nurses took his vitals or the doctors who came in. Trying to be discharged was a useless battle and truth be told he really didn't want to go home. Home was a place of failure.

*****

Roy steamed his whole day off. His children gave him a lot of space and his wife tried to console him. But he would get some answers when he went back on shift.

Carrying Johnny's duffle into the station got him looks.

"Going on a trip Roy?" Chet asked in a snarky way.

DeSoto glared at him as he placed the duffle in the squad. His partner was Brice an unwanted partner.

"Well gentlemen I hope you had a nice day off." Stanley looked at his frowning paramedics and wondered what Brice had heard. Rumors would run rampant through the department since it seemed firemen were worse gossips then women.

"Well Chet this is your lucky day," Hank smiled. "You can clean out the day room. Marco and Mike hoses. Roy you can cook and Brice the latrines."

"Fine," Roy lamented, since he was in no mood to cook. Turning to the guys for dinner money tones went off signaling a call for the squad and a relief to DeSoto since he would be heading to Rampart.

****

At the hospital, Roy left the duffle in the squad, if need be he would get it once he got some answers. Cornering Brackett after the doctor worked on their patient, the sandy haired paramedic had a hard time maintaining his cool.

"Hey doc got a minute?" Roy smiled and stuck his hands in his pockets.

"Sure how about a cup of coffee?" Kel made his way to the lounge and poured them both cups of coffee.

Roy twirled the cup and then looked at someone he considered a friend.

"Yes Roy?" Brackett's eyes pierced him.

"You know Doc I tried to see Johnny yesterday and they wouldn't give me his room number. Now all the time Gage and I've been partners I've seen him. Do you know what the hell is going on?" Roy's eyes squinted and he held tightly onto his mug.

Brackett took a sip of coffee, crossed his legs and looked at the paramedic.

"Roy…," Brackett sighed. "Roy I don't think it would be a good time to see Johnny right now and…"

"Good time? Good time! In case you forgot doc," Roy pointed a finger at him, "he's my friend and partner. I tried calling too and they would connect me. So what gives?"

"Roy like I said it isn't a good time to see Johnny you might upset him further and…"

"Upset him further," DeSoto stood up knocking his chair over. "Like I said doc Johnny's my friend and needs my help and…."

Brice stuck his head into the lounge and coughed hard.

"Uh Roy we got to go," Brice looked at the shocked doctor.

"I'll be back," Roy turned and left hurriedly out of the lounge.

"I don't doubt that Roy, but I hope to God you'll help Johnny and not hurt him," Brackett stood up, no longer in the mood for coffee or conversation.


	12. Chapter 12

AC12

Roy had a plan. He would search all of Rampart if he had to, but he would find Johnny. Parking in the visitors' lot, he took the duffle and slung it over his shoulder. He knew he wouldn't have to search the whole hospital since there would be certain areas he wouldn't find his partner.

John continued to stare at the ceiling and what happened last night. He knew it was coming, only a matter of time, but he wouldn't hurt his friends in any way.

The duffle was getting heavy, DeSoto knew he was close, he could feel his partner's presence.

Sighing, Gage wiped his hands over his face and ruffled his hair. The nightmare seemed never ending, now the thought of food upset him. He had never meant to hurt his friends or shift mates. He was a loser, pure and simple. His whole life had been nothing but, safe for the fire department and now he had lost it.

"Johnny? Johnny is that you?" Roy took a few cautious steps to the prone man on the bed. The drapes were drawn and a small tendril of light filtered into the semi darkened room. His partner lay there silently and unnaturally. Even in sleep, he never knew John to be still.

Johnny heard Roy's voice and held his breath. Hoping he would leave him be thinking he was asleep.

"Johnny," Roy walked closer to the bed, seeing a vacant brown eyed man who refused to look him in the eyes. "Johnny it's me Roy." DeSoto took the duffle off his sore shoulder and placed it on the floor. "I got a few things from your apartment, you know, things you might need."

"You should go Roy," Johnny answered, his voice a monotone.

"Leave I just got here Johnny. You know I tried to see you and even called and they wouldn't give me your room number," Roy moved closer to the bed and stuck his hands in his pockets.

_Roy didn't know. God, of course he's off shift. Tomorrow they would tell them all and then they wouldn't have a choice._ "Roy, I don't want to get you in trouble you don't deserve it. But you should go, please." John pleaded.

"Go? I just got here Johnny. Me and the guys have been worried about you and…"

"Roy, please I've been placed on medical leave pending investigation," there he had said it.

"Investigation for what? Johnny you've done nothing wrong," Roy was confused taking his hands out of his pockets and placed his hands on the braces of John's bed.

"I could have killed someone," Johnny sighed, another fear realized.

"No, you couldn't partner," Roy pointed a finger to his chest, "because I was there. You could never kill anyone and…"

"You don't have to protect me anymore Roy. I plan on quitting before they fire me or anyone else." Gage closed his eyes wishing DeSoto would just leave.

"Protect you from what? Hell, Johnny none of us knew you were sick until..." Roy licked his lips.

"Until I embarrassed you by crashing and burning. I know you think I'm a nut and you're right I'm certifiable. I hope you get a better partner than me," Gage felt tired, real tired only Roy's presence brought up so many good memories he would hold fast too.

"God Johnny we weren't embarrassed, we were mad because we couldn't help you sooner," Roy reached his hand out to John then took it back as he saw his partner pull back. "We're fireman were supposed to rescue and save people damnitt, including you."

"I'm doing you a favor Roy, kay. You won't get into trouble because you tried to cover up my problems," John frowned knowing he could never go to a fire station again.

"We didn't do anything Johnny. We missed a few things sure, because we're your friends, kay. Stop beating yourself up, Junior. You talked me out of quitting and I plan on doing the same thing," Roy held tighter onto the braces feeling Johnny slipping further away.

"Sir," a young nurse came into John's room carrying a tray. "You'll have to leave."

"No, can't you see I'm trying to talk some sense into my friend?" Roy looked at the nurse with such intensity she backed away.

"Roy just go home, kay. Forget about me. I'm like that bad penny that keeps turning up. I'm doing you a favor," Johnny sighed, wiped his hands over his face, but knew if he turned he would lose it again.

"No, Johnny I won't give up on you. You're like a brother to me and you're the best damn paramedic around. Why do you think I chose you for my partner? So don't give up, just give yourself some time and you'll be okay. You'll see," Roy tried to convince himself. "You'll see and…."

"Roy," Brackett walked over to Roy and his patient.

"Hey Doc," Roy turned back to Johnny.

"It's time to go now," Kel took Roy's arm and he jerked it away.

"No way, Doc. Johnny's says he's going to quit. I didn't pick and help train him to have him walk away from a good thing," Roy's voice finally cracked.

"It's okay Roy. In fact the doc was the one who made the medical report," John tried to explain.

"YOU DID WHAT!" Roy moved away from Brackett.

"Please Roy it was the right thing to do. You know it is," Gage swallowed hard, maybe now Roy would let go, just like he had.

"Please Roy, let's let Johnny rest and we can talk," the doctor said gently leading Roy out of his friend's room.

"I….I brought some things for Johnny, there in the duffle and…" Roy looked back to see Gage's head turned away from him. "Bye Johnny." DeSoto gave a weak wave thinking it might be the last time he saw his friend.

In Brackett's office, Roy clasped his hands in his lap.

"Why Doc? What did Johnny do? He didn't hurt anyone he…" Roy all ready knew the answer. "I blew it. I should have seen it. I'm a trained professional." DeSoto pushed himself further back in the chair.

"Roy even I missed it. A lot of people missed it. We're dealing with something different then the usual stress you fireman encounter," Brackett explained.

"So, what does that mean to Johnny?" Roy pointed up at the ceiling.

"It means I'm working on getting someone who might be able to help him. But you have to trust me, Roy. Do you trust me?" Brackett leaned forward and held his breath.

"Yeah I trust you Doc, but the question is will Johnny?" Roy bit his lower lip.


	13. Chapter 13

Truth is stranger than fiction. Take a peek at this link .com/2007/may/06/local/me-medics6

Which also fits nicely into Saving Me. Ain't life grand.

Ambulance Chaser 13

Roy wasn't looking forward to reporting to work the next day. Johnny's mood and confession hurt him deeply, although he would only admit it to his wife. Having Brice as partner was only a painful reminder of his friend's fallible traits.

Dressing he heard Cap on the phone, no doubt, the word had come down regarding John Gage. He was sure rumors were rampant and a memo would surely follow to dispel them.

Brice came in quietly, his blue eyes spoke of Gage's illness and the countless rumors his temporary paramedic partner had heard. Looking with his steel eyes, Brice kept his mouth shut.

Lining up for roll call, tones sounded for the squad and the new day had begun.

****

"Well doctor?" Kell leaned back on his chair as he watched them go over the chart again.

"It is an interesting case Kell, much like the ones I've had at the VA and I'll admit it will help me get more funding but there will be conditions if Mr. Gage accepts me as his therapist," Doc Freedman placed the chart back on the desk.

"Conditions?" Brackett leaned forward his arms now on his desk.

"Yes, I will need the cooperation of the fire department, his shift mates and more importantly your colleagues, in order for Mr. Gage's recovery," the doctor stated without reservation. "Along with a neutral place for Gage's recovery."

"You don't ask much do you Doc?" Kell smiled at the thought of hope for the young paramedic.

"Well first let's see if Johnny will accept you as his therapist and then we go from there shall we? He's in room 515."

"Thank you. I'll see you in an hour or so," Freedman stood up, smiled and headed out of Brackett's office.

*****

It was mid- afternoon by the time the squad it a lull. Pulling into the bay Stanley looked at the exhausted paramedics but motioned them in the dayroom with the rest of the shift.

Blue eyes met brown with quiet understanding as they went into the dayroom. Brice sat at the table as Roy headed for some much needed coffee.

"Ahem, I meant to tell you earlier, but I got word from the Chief about John," Hank sighed as he looked at his concerned crew.

*****

John was staring at the ceiling with a new sound of steps entered his room along with a scent of unknown perfume. He closed his eyes hoping she would leave. Hoping they would all leave and just let him go home.

"Hello, Mr. Gage," a smooth female voice asked standing in front of his bed.

Moving the upper half of his bed up he looked at his visitor. She wore tan pants, a chocolate ruffled shirt with lots of gold chains, and a tweed jacket. The woman's face was without makeup, which he could tell, her dishwater blond hair pulled into a tight bun and her glasses were rimless. She crossed her arms and looked at him.

"So you must be shrink, huh?" Gage sighed wondering what subject he would become for some shrink, just like the reservation.

"And how would you know that Mr. Gage?" she asked with curiosity.

"I just know and like the rest you can go now," John started to lower his bed.

"I'm Dr. Sydney Freedman. I'm a friend of Dr. Bracketts." Her heels clicked as she came to the foot of his bed.

"So? I'm I supposed to be impressed or something?" John shook his head.

*****

Roy watched as four men squirmed in their seats expecting the worst. DeSoto nodded at Stanley and he began.

"John's on medical leave, pending investigation." Hank waited for the explosion to follow.

"What investigation?" Chet was the first and looked to his supervisor.

"Its normal procedure Kelly," Brice stated not realizing he was looking for a fight.

"I know it is Brice but Johnny hasn't done anything wrong," Marco glared at the perfect paramedic. "But maybe you don't know that since you're only Johnny's replacement."

DeSoto felt the pain again of the pronouncement on his friend and the fact he missed the signs.

"Now wait a minute Marco. Brice doesn't know all the particulars like we do. I want you to respond honestly when questions need to be answered. John would insist on that." Stanley warned his crew.

"Well it just stinks if you ask me," Mike was incensed. "Don't they know he's one the best paramedics out there."

Five eyes looked at the usually cool headed man.

*****

"Well I'm here to talk about an accident you were in Mr. Gage," Freedman crossed her arms and looked at the pain filled eyes of her prospective patient.

"I'm accident prone doc or didn't Brackett tell you," Johnny crossed his arms and waited.

"Oh but this is one accident I'm sure you'll remember Mr. Gage and perhaps the start of all your problems," she smiled as the hairs on the back of Johnny's neck rose.

"Hey, Doc you know you're wasting your time here. I'll be gone before long and…."

"You and your partner, Roy DeSoto were attending a heart attack victim, weren't you?" Her voice smooth and interrupted Johnny's tirade.

"We have a lot of heart attack victims' doctor. It's what we were trained for and…."

"But your partner got held up by the mother and daughter didn't he? So you saw the patient into Rampart," her voice stopped him cold.

John's arms uncrossed and he held tightly to his bed covers.

"According to the accident report you were, what five or ten minutes from Rampart."

"Ten," Johnny said coldly.

"_Rampart this is squad 51 do you copy?" Johnny held the biophone looking out the window of the ambulance._

"_10-4 51," Dixie's voice answered. "Keep monitoring vital signs and report every two minutes."_

"_10-4 fifty…" Gage saw the semi as it rammed into the ambulance. His stomach lurched as the gurney with their patient; Hal and he were rolled with the ambulance._

_IN his semiconscious state he heard Roy yell at him and pain all over. He overheard four code F's and then the pain get worse._

"You weren't completely unconscious were you Mr. Gage?" Freedman said softly.

John shook his head.

_He felt himself being placed on a gurney and into the back of a new ambulance._

"_Rampart patient's pulse is 110, respirations 50 and diaphoretic," Bowman's voice echoed in his head._

"_No, don't want to die," he tried to say. Hearing the sirens again his heart raced._

Looking at the doctor, he could feel the back of his neck drenched and his hair clinging to his neck.

****

"I need some air Cap," Roy headed out to the back of station and his stunned friends.

Leaning on John's Rover he wondered if his friend would ever recover from what he had. In all his years he had never seen his partner so distraught and distant. His forearms on the car with his hands clasped he stared out into nothing.

"Roy," Hank nodded at the senior paramedic. "I take it you've seen John?"

DeSoto nodded, wishing he hadn't.

"That bad?" Stanley frowned.

DeSoto nodded again.

"The man I saw at Rampart wasn't the John Gage I knew. Cap, he's going to quit, thinking of saving us. He's in bad shape. Johnny wouldn't even look at me, Cap." Roy's chin hit his chest and he let out a stream of air.

"I've been in contact with Dr. Brackett; he's working on something Roy. You just have to keep the faith," Hank smiled. "Let me buy you a cup of coffee."

******

"So Doc got what you needed?" John sneered. His heart still racing and his gown sticking to his body as he tried to calm down.

"I can help you if you'll let me Mr. Gage." She placed her card on the tray table.

"Help me Doc? No one can help me or didn't they tell you that. The few shrinks I've seen these last few months told me. To be strong, work through it, you'll get over it. IT was all BS doc, you're just like the rest. So did you get your jollies talking to me? Will I be a footnote in one of your case studies?" John whispered, still finding the images reeling in his head.

"Mr. Gage, John I can really help you. I work at the VA and have helped many veterans with your symptoms and…."

"Well I'm not a war vet am I doc," John pointed a finger at her. "Just get the hell out of my room, kay. I don't like anyone messing with my head and you can tell Brackett that."

"I'm sorry you feel that way. But I put my card there. You can call me any time day or night and if you lose my card Kell knows how to reach me. Good day," Freedman turned on her heel living John alone with his memories of the accident.


	14. Chapter 14

Ac14

John looked at the duffle on the floor next to his bed. Brackett said he would be going home in a few days. Taking the duffle off the floor he zipped it open to find clothes, toiletries but no keys. No car keys and no apartment keys. Roy had always brought both whenever he was stuck in the hospital but not this time. The thought of calling his partner gave him a head and stomach ache, all rolled into a big problem. He ran his hands through his hair, thinking how he could get his car and apartment keys. He was starting to sweat thinking of leaving the hospital and what he would do next. He had torn up the card from Dr. Freedman, they were all the same but her words struck him. Knowing he would have to step foot in the station scared him. He saw his hands shake and could feel the sweat all ready form on his back. Once a place he called his second home was a frightening place now.

"_I can help you Mr. Gage if you'll let me."_

"Man, oh man oh man. Help me. Help me what?" Gage muttered feeling what little grasp he had on life disappeared completely. He reached for the phone then stopped knowing Roy would come to pick up the pieces again. No he was done; stick a fork in him, done with the fire department.

*****

Roy mowed the lawn thinking of his partner; Brice was turning into nothing but a walking rule book. The man didn't know when to drop a subject, especially when dealing with John Gage. Being the senior paramedic he had no choice but to tell him to shut up about it, but didn't and now was haranguing his shift mates.

The loud noise from the mower helped to block his worries about Brackett. He assured him Johnny was going to get help. Help for what, since he had never seen anyone so scared of something they knew intuitively. DeSoto couldn't imagine anyone being his nutty partner but John Gage.

****

Johnny took the duffle again, only this time he took each item and threw it out as he went through it. Clothes, toiletries flew all over his room and hit things. He was frustrated, angry and confused. Why, couldn't he find the keys? The keys were crucial to his life. But the thought of the fire station and even his locker made his head spin.

"ARRGHH! WHY ME? WHY IS IT ALWAYS ME!" John took the duffle and threw it towards the door just as the student nurse was bringing in his lunch.

She stopped cold, shrieked then turn and ran. John's mouth dropped opened, he could never hurt or scare anyone and now he had scared a nurse half to death.

Running his hands over his face, he could feel the hot tears starting. Tears of frustration, tears of anger and tears of exhaustion. The accident he so carefully hid away was tearing him apart inside. Freedman hit the nail on the head and it burned him up. He had broken rule number one too many times and now he was paying for it.

****

"Honey how about some lemonade?" Joanne brought a tall glass to her husband.

"Thanks, guess I was thirsty and didn't know it," Roy looked around his backyard, half the things he and Johnny had done. Johnny didn't have anybody but him and the rest of the fire department. He recalled the lost look in Gage's eyes when he jumped out of the squad.

"Honey, what's wrong?" She looked into his worried eyes. "Its Johnny isn't it?"

"Joanne, I don't know Brackett," sighing he finished the glass and handed it back to his wife. "I'm worried. I'm scared for Johnny. What's he going to do without us? What's he going to do period. Johnny told me all his life he wanted to be a fireman and now..."

"You have to trust Dr. Brackett Roy. He knows what he's doing and before long Johnny will be himself again. You'll see," Joanne hugged her husband, took the empty glass and went back inside the house.

DeSoto wished he could be so positive, and then went back to yard work.

****

When Johnny opened his eyes again it was dark in his room, turning on the bedside lamp he took the phone and dialed the operator.

"Dr. Brackett please," John wiped away the remnants of his tears. He was exhausted beyond belief. The silence was not reassuring.

"Hey Doc," the dark haired paramedic forced out of his mouth, "you know Dr. Freedman. I wonder if you could call her for me. I lost her card, you know."

"Sure Doc anything you say and thanks," Johnny hung up the phone, pulled his covers up and fell into an exhausted sleep.

****

Pulling up into the driveway, John could see it was an old house but comforting with large oak trees and away from the city noise.

"Nice place," John said getting out of Freedman's car.

"I think so," she said smiling. "No distractions, no phones and no TV. It is a convalescence home after all."

"Convalesce home?" John's voice got shaky, pulling out his duffle.

"Yes John, before we can begin work you need to be rested and you weren't rested in the hospital were you?"

"No, guess there were… I don't know…just couldn't sleep no matter how many sleeping pills I got," Gage mused.

"Shall we," Freedman opened the door and led John to a small nondescript room. A bed, dresser, desk chair and small bookcase greeted him. She pointed to a closet as Johnny hung his clothes up. "There's a schedule of meals but for now they'll be delivered. You need your rest."

"Sure Doc," John was getting nervous knowing the Freedman was going to leave.

"It's all right John. I'll be back at the end of the week. I want you to get rested and I need to do a few things before we get started. You have to trust me," she squeezed his arm.

"I'm trying to Doc. I'm really trying," John smiled

****

Six eyes watched as the pretty female guest entered their station.

"Guys, this is Dr. Sydney Freedman, she is John's therapist and has asked us to help. Right now we are standing down and with the department's permission. She wants us to speak freely," Stanley said nervously as the doctor approached.

"Please relax," Freedman saw the straight backed men sitting in chairs and couches.

All eyes turned to her, Roy sat at the table and his blue eyes turned on John's therapist. Even the word made him nervous; Gage may have been a little crazy but in order for him to accept help, meant it was really bad.

"Well gentlemen, the reason I'm here is to discuss John's therapy and how you will help him. I know department policy is to talk to each other about your runs but this was a very painful and personal run to all of you," she looked at all the men but especially DeSoto.

Taking a chair, she crossed her legs and looked at the assembled macho firemen in front of her. To be sure they all had egos and needed them to rush into burning buildings when other rational people ran away. It would be difficult but needed to be done if she was to do her patient justice.

"The accident I was referring to was John's. I went over the accident report, his charts but they don't give me the full picture. I would like you to tell me about it," she took out her notebook and noticed the pronounced silence in the station, as she saw each man go over the horrific accident in their minds and wondered if they could have done something different.


	15. Chapter 15

AC15

"Well Doc, before we get started let me introduce everyone," Stanley stood up, along with Freedman.

"Mike Stoker." She shook his hand.

"Marco Lopez." Freedman smiled.

"Craig Brice." She nodded.

"Chet Kelly." She shook his hand.

"And Roy DeSoto, John's partner." She walked over, DeSoto stood up, they shook hands and then Roy sat down again.

She sat down and looked at the men John called friends and brothers. Brackett had filled her in the particulars regarding the loyalty and fierceness they protected each other. John had seemed more relaxed and quiet in the home. Away from the hospital noises and memories that taunted his broken heart and soul. Freedman hoped by talking to these men she would have an idea how to cure her patient and bring him back to the fire department he loved.

"Ahem so tell me about the call Roy. I can call you Roy?" Freedman wasn't sure of the protocol.

"Yes please, it will be easier," Hank looked at his men.

"It was just another routine call Doctor. A possible heart attack. Johnny took the address Cap gave us and we headed out," Roy remembered Johnny taking the lead as he called into Rampart.

"But there were problems after?" She had taken out her notebook and started writing.

"Yeah, the wife and daughter got real upset. The wife was supposed to ride in the ambulance with Johnny," Roy's voice hitched remembering the scene and the thought of more deaths.

"But you helped them?" Sydney looked at the stricken man.

Roy nodded. "The daughter called her aunt and…it didn't take more than ten minutes and then I got in the squad to meet Johnny at the hospital."

The room grew deathly quiet.

"I was the first on the scene," Roy stated coolly. "I heard it on the radio, but I didn't know what to expect."

"We were called next," Hank looked at the floor. "Just an MVA nothing else. Then Mike and I saw the ambulance."

She noticed as the color drained from each man's face.

"We thought Johnny was dead," Chet's voice broke the silence. "Will we did. The roof had kinda pancaked and we thought if anyone was in it they'd be dead."

"Chet," Marco chided. "You…we…hell…when we saw Roy we knew then," Lopez sighed heavily.

Roy looked at the floor, and then looked at his shift mates.

"I called it in and then waited."

"Like I said we came next," Hank's voice strained. "We tried to think of a way to extract the victims, John included."

Roy stood up and headed towards the sink. Freedman watched as DeSoto took a glass out of the cupboard; his shoulders slumped as he turned on the water at the sink.

"We were able to use the porta power to raise the window of the ambulance. God, there was blood and glass everywhere," Stanley wiped his hands roughly over his face.

Roy turned around, his shoulders still slumped, pain etched on his face.

"I yelled at Johnny." The glass still in his hand barely crashed to the floor.

"You had too Roy," Marco looked at him. "With all the glass and twisted metal he could have hurt himself more."

"I thought he was dead Marco until he moaned and moved," Roy pointed to himself.

"Yeah we got him out and then," Mike pointed to Brice and Bellingham worked on Johnny."

"It was difficult we…there was so much blood we didn't know where to start," Brice stuttered.

"I just stood there not doing anything. I'm a trained paramedic and I stood there," Roy lamented.

"The ambulance and corner's van pulled up at the same time. The look of both the driver's was bad," Brice swallowed.

"So we loaded Johnny in the ambulance," Brice took off his glasses, pinching his nose. "Bellingham took him in and I waited I guess."

"Yeah he was thinking we might pass out or something," Chet laughed.

"Well standard procedure," Craig put his glasses back on.

"Please Brice, just this once," Stanley pleaded.

"Right Cap. Sorry," the paramedic looked down at the floor.

"So we went 10-8 to Rampart. There was nothing else we could do," Stanley stated.

"10-8?" Freedman looked at Hank.

"Oh, we went to Rampart and waited. But we had to go back to work. Roy insisted since…well…he just."

**ENGINE 51. TRASH FIRE. SWIFT AND CROSS STREET, TIME OUT 10:20**

"Uh sorry doctor that's us. Guys." Hank ordered as they made an orderly way to the bay.

Freedman saw DeSoto was missing.

"You might try outside. He's been hanging out at John's car," Stanley waved as the engine left the station.

Brice continued to sit on the couch.

Walking outside she found Roy at a white Rover, staring off into nothing.

"Roy," she touched him on the shoulder.

"Huh," Roy turned and focused on Freedman.

"It's all right you know. John seems to respect you a lot," she smiled.

"A lot of good I did him," DeSoto sighed. "IF I had listened to him."

"Well Roy you have an important job when John comes back," she touched his hand. "He'll depend on you to help him through the rough times."

Tones sounded for the squad.

"Sorry doc I got to go," Roy waved as she handed him her card. "Call me. We need to talk."

Roy stuck the doctor's card in his pocket as he ran towards the squad.


	16. Chapter 16

AC16

Johnny stared out at the grove of trees in the back yard of the facility. The birds chirped there was a slight breeze filled with the scent of eucalypts and sitting next to him was his therapist, Dr. Sydney Freedman. If you had would have told him he would've need a therapist to go back to work he would have said you were crazy, but here it was.

The doctor was still dressed in her fashionable way, notebook and pen at the ready.

"So John how have you liked your stay thus far?" Her eyes penetrated his.

"Well it's been real nice, you know. No distractions, you know," Gage felt uncomfortable. "You know Doc I've never really done anything like this before I mean."

"There's no reason to be nervous Mr. Gage, can I call you John?" Freedman smiled at him.

"Yeah sure I guess. I just call you Doc. So can we get started?" John got comfortable pushing himself in the back of the lawn chair and tried to concentrate on the calmness around him.

"Well all right. What I want you do John is tell me what your shift was like the day of the accident." Her pen was poised and she looked expectantly at her patient.

"Well Doc," the paramedic stared out into the grove of trees. "It was just like any other day," Gage laughed. "Sorry but it was."

"So we had a few minor calls in the morning, no ambulance runs and then we get the probable heart attack right before lunch," John sighed. "And Marco was making chili too."

"Go on," Freedman could see Gage tense up, his shoulders no longer relaxed.

"Um, we get the patient stabilized, no easy task since we had to zap him twice and..."

"Zap?" the curious doctor wrote in her notebook.

"Um, defibrillate him. Paramedics develop their own lingo and use fewer words. Yeah, my partner, Roy and me are the best in the biz or so Brackett tells us. I mean we have our own special way of working, you know. I don't have to ask anything and well, we're just a great team is all," John clasped his hands together his knuckles turning white.

"So you have your patient stabilized…"

"Yeah, he's stabilized the ambulance is there and then the wife freaks, I mean literally freaks and her daughter's trying to calm her so I get the lucky job of riding in the ambulance," Gage said sarcastically. "My turn in the ambulance."

Clearing his throat he began again.

"So we load him up, stable as he can be at the moment and we take off. Rampart wants vitals every five minutes and I was taking his BP and I dunno I glanced up through the window and saw the semi barreling towards us. I kinda froze and was tossed like the preverbal rag doll only doc it felt like forever, man forever and then the ambulance stops rolling and I feel numb. Really numb, weird huh." Johnny now held the arms of his chair tightly but not before Freedman forced him to drink a glass of water.

Gage had paled somewhat but continued.

"The funny thing was I wasn't out you know….I mean my eyes were closed and I heard everything even Roy shouting at me," John leaned back in the chair again, his hands still tightly clasped to the arms.

"Why did your partner shout at you?" Sydney could see the confusion on the paramedics face.

John shrugged, "I dunno I never asked, you know. Didn't seem important and then I felt them pulling me out. It wasn't Roy who worked on me it was Dwyer and Bellingham. Dwyer must have been pulling some over time."

Gage's voice was calm, almost distant but his face was tense and drawn.

"So anyway, they put me on the gurney and I guessed I freaked, they had me hooked up and I just freaked. They waited a bit and then put me in a new ambulance and then I really freaked again. Roy didn't say anything to comfort me or anything and then I guess I blanked out until we got to Rampart." The dark haired paramedic had now crossed his legs and started to pick at the hem of his jeans.

"Then what happened?" Freedman drew a bit closer feeling the worst was yet to come.

"Well they all worked on me, must a been bad because I heard them ventilate me and then get me ready for surgery," Gage looked out at the grove of trees again.

"Where were your shift mates? Roy?" the therapist put her hand on John's.

"I guess they got kicked out. I guess…I was unconscious after that doc…other than waking up in ICU a few times. That's all I remember okay," John's shoulders slumped. "I'm real tired doc and its dinner time. Can we call it a day, huh?" His brown eyes were dewy and he was thoroughly exhausted.

"Yes go eat and I'll see you in a day or two, okay?" Freedman squeezed his hand as she watched the hunched over man head back into the facility.

*****

Heading to the nurse's station Freedman waved hello to the head nurse.

"Ms. McCall," Freedman offered her hand.

"Call me Dixie, how's Johnny?" Dixie crossed her arms giving the once over to the therapist.

"Busy, is Kell in?" She smiled back.

"Yes he's in his office going over budgets. He'll be looking for some relief and…"

Sydney pulled out a card and handed to her.

"If you don't mind I'd like to talk to you regarding John Gage since you work so closely with him. It's that's possible, anyway I could get John back to work faster," she stated.

"Anything for my favorite paramedic. I'll be free sometime next week at your office?" Dix smiled knowingly.

"Yes at my office would be fine. I'm so glad you're being so cooperative and thank you. I know the way," Freedman waved.

Knocking on the door, she found Brackett hunched over computer reports and rubbing his forehead. Ducking in the lounge she brought in two cups of hot coffee and sat down one in front of the frustrated doctor.

"Hello there," the therapists smiled. "I thought this might help."

She sat down and saw a slow smile spread across Brackett's face.

"Yes it will. I take it this is business," he sipped the medicinal brew.

"Yes it is, I wanted to talk to you about John since he will need your help transitioning back to his job," she took out her notebook from her large purse.

"Ah how is Johnny doing?" Brackett leaned back in his chair.

"Well we're getting started, but I need to know your relationship with him. I've all ready talked to Dixie and I will need to speak to Dr. Morton and Dr. Early since you all seem to work so closely with the paramedics," Freedman stated.

"So?"

"Well let's just say John Gage and I didn't actually get along in the beginning. IT was bad enough dealing with Roy and getting the Paramedic program working but once he had Johnny as his partner, they were like hitting a brick wall. Roy is slow and quiet and Johnny was like a thundercloud and…."

"Two egos clashing?" Freedman smiled. "I've done my research on 'hose jockeys' they have to have some ego to go into burning buildings and rescue people." Sydney laughed.

"That they do, they go where angels fear to tread. Anyway I had the misfortune of crossing Johnny at a party and he let me have it. Johnny speaks his mind freely and doesn't hold any punches. I respect him for that and well we have an understanding, I guess," Kell leaned on his desk.

"Well Sydney it's no secret I can be a stuffed shirt and will Johnny is …."

"Free and easy until the accident and…"

At the mention of the accident a change came over the doctor.

"IT was real hard working on Johnny. I mean I've seen him battle a monkey virus, get bit by a rattler but this was different. We had to defib him once and then they had to defib him twice in surgery. His prognosis wasn't looking very good," Kelly's voice was quiet almost a whisper, "But then once again Johnny beat death."

"Yes he did at that only to fight a bigger demon. Well I can see you're busy and I'll let you get back to your budgets. I'll call you next week so we can talk further, if you don't mind," Freedman stood.

"No problem nothing but the best for my A team," Kelly watched as she left his office and turned back to the damned budgets but his mind was on a certain dark haired paramedic.

*************

"All right everyone just settle down," Hank felt like he had a bunch of kids in front of him, save Roy. "I just have a few announcements."

"Sure Cap," Chet always wanting to get the last word.

"Anyway, you'll be receiving appointment times with John's therapist. She assured me it will only take an hour or two of your time. If there is a problem with conflicts you have to reschedule and…"

"But Cap do we have too?" Chet whined. "It's not as if…"

"Don't go there Kelly because this is a pilot program and may help you someday unless you want to be on permanent latrine duty," Hank warned.

"No Cap. Anything you say Cap," Chet sighed dodging yet another bullet.

"Fine here are your job assignments."


	17. Chapter 17

AC17

"Comfortable?" Freedman looked at Hank Stanley.

"As comfortable as I can be. Uh, thanks for the coffee," Hank shifted in the chair as he looked around Freedman's office. IT was standard issue government with the requisite couch and a small seating area then off to the side was a desk and chair. Pictures hung on the walls along with rugs on the floor. Soothing music could be heard in the background along with the scent of flowers, this was almost too relaxing.

"So how can I help you doc?" Stanley took a sip of his coffee. "Oh and it's very good."

"Why thank you it's one of my vices. Well Hank, may I call you Hank?" Sydney nodded to her patient.

"Yes, that will be fine," Stanley crossed his legs wondering why he was here in the first place Gage had the problem not him.

"Well Hank the reason I wanted to speak to you first was to understand the dynamics of the station, so I can determine how I may help John better. I talked to headquarters but they tell me every station is different depending on the captain. I know you are the third captain at the station. Was there any animosity when you replaced the previous captain?" She had her pad and pen ready.

"Actually no, it was a relatively easy changeover. The men are very easygoing and had no problem with my, for lack of a better word, style. I mean stations are about the same everywhere. There's roll call, assignments and then our calls which can be numerous to down right slow." Hank cleared his throat.

"And John and Roy's relationship?" Freedman smiling.

"Well, um, there a team. They have to be and a damn good one at that," Hank took a sip of coffee. Remembering the day of the accident, no man was going to die on his watch if he could help it. "And well they work real well together. Did you know Roy recruited John for the paramedics, one of the first two classes, you know." Stanley said proudly.

"Yes pioneers, John told me. John told me if it weren't for Roy he would have never became a paramedic. I take it they are good friends?" Sydney took a sip of her coffee seeing the hesitation on the captains faces.

"Depends on the meaning of friends' doc," Hank grinned.

"Well I thought you; well I mean all of your men were friends, more than work friends since you seem to have so many other outside activities together. John mentioned department picnics and other events at yours and the DeSoto residence," Freedman hoped it explained her interpretation.

"You have to understand one thing doc. You see firemen work odd schedules, and sure I have friends outside the department but it's harder to see them then other firemen, you understand what I mean," Hank sighed, knowing he was telling a white lie. He trusted his life with his men and much more.

"So are you saying the only reason Roy and John hang out together is because of shifts?" Freedman leaned back in her chair and hurriedly wrote down notes.

"Maybe I misunderstood John's description of Roy. He considers Roy his best friend is his assumption wrong?" Sydney leaned forward, afraid of where this was going, but not showing it.

"Well doc you have to ask Roy that. I mean sure they hang out together but when you have someone watching your back it doesn't hurt to have him in your corner you know," Stanley took a long drink of his coffee, remembering how the color drained from Roy's face seeing Gage lying there wondering if his paramedic would need a paramedic of his own. Knowing how Roy begged to ride in the ambulance with his partner and friend.

"All right I understand that. IT is like in combat, like the men I treat, a band of brothers fighting the enemy?" Freedman gave Hank an explanation of her own.

"Yeah, like that. I mean you may hate the guy's guts but you got to work with 'em and trust 'em otherwise the whole thing blows up, you understand now?" Hank sighed and nodded knowing Lopez, Kelly and Stocker would have torn the ambulance with their bare hands to get Gage out, knowing it would be easier to live with his death then be alive and die again.

"Well I see our time is up Hank. You've been very helpful and I'll let you know when John will be at the station again. He still has a long way to go, you understand." Freedman stood up as did Stanley.

*****

Once in his car, Hank's hands shook recalling seeing John in the ICU it was almost as bad as the initial accident. The prognosis looked bad and he just didn't want to remember John hooked up to all those damn machines. Gage had trusted him and he had failed him terribly.

*****

Dixie smiled at the therapist and took a long drink of coffee. "This is very good."

"One of my vices." Freedman smiled as she relaxed with the head nurse.

"Oh I have many of those, so how can I help Johnny?" Dix got comfortable in the chair as the therapist opened up her notebook.

"How long have you known John?" Sydney needed to see how first how to integrate John back on the job.

"Well I met Johnny when he was training for a paramedic. Roy recruited him and he introduced us. Johnny always had a smile on his face and seemed well happy no matter the circumstances. In fact he saved my life, breaking the rules,' McCall smiled proudly. "The legislature hadn't been approved paramedics yet and Johnny wasn't going to let me die. Let me tell you Johnny's a fighter in every way."

"Would you consider yourself friends?" Freedman was now interested.

"Well…we're not exactly friends but not acquaintances. I mean Johnny will do just about anything for the hospital. I can't tell you how many fundraisers he's helped us with. I gone to department functions, but it's hard with the schedules we keep. I guess I mostly see him at the hospital when he's brining in patients or visiting friends." Dixie reached for her coffee cup.

"Friends in the hospital?" Freedman was curious as to who the friends were.

"Oh yes anytime Roy, Marco, Mike, Chet or Hank lands in the hospital Johnny's there. You know like Johnny on the spot," Dix laughed at her joke. "Really I mean it. I can't tell you how many patients have John to thank for being alive."

"Oh I believe you John seems to live for the job and it is a worthy one isn't it?" Freedman looked at her patient.

"Of course it's worth it Doctor. Why if it weren't for paramedics there would be no telling how many people would die needlessly. John started out as a rescue man and once he became a paramedic he fought tooth and nail to be able to function. Roy had been on the bandwagon from the beginning but once John came on board they were like two pit bulls and good friends besides," Dixie growled.

"Friends?" Sydney shook her head.

"Yes friends. Only friends would buy an eighty year old fire engine and put over two hundred hours of work in it, don't you think?" Dix looked at the confused therapist.

"Yes I suppose you're right. If you work together you wouldn't necessarily put that much time and effort into something. But they do use it for fire department functions, yes?"

"Well…um yes, that's why they bought in the first place. Sort of a show piece for the department," Dixie sighed seeing what the therapist saw. "But ask Roy. Roy and John are really tight. I can't tell you how many times they've saved each others' lives and…"

"In the name of duty. At fires and such."

"Yes but they are friends, believe me. Good friends. Best buddies as John says." Dix defended the paramedic team.

"Well you've been very helpful Dixie. I will be talking to your other colleagues shortly along with Kell, he doesn't seem to have a problem with John's therapy at all," Freedman closed her mouth quickly.

"Listen doctor you tell me who is giving you problems and I will have a nice long talk with them Johnny's a great guy and an excellent paramedic and we miss him. Thanks again for taking Johnny's case and you just let me know what I can do to help him." Dixie stood up and shook Freedman's hand. Her blue eyes shown with intensity to her dedication to the injured paramedic.

Freedman sat down at her desk and looked at her notes. Maybe after a few more sessions she would truly understand the world in which paramedic John Gage worked and what the truth was. She hoped for his sake it was Gage's view and not the other otherwise her patient had more issues then she thought.


	18. Chapter 18

AC18

Roy looked at the room; he hated shrinks with a passion. Especially when he was in the army, always trying to find something wrong with you. But he was doing it for Johnny and no one else. _ Why me?_

"Comfortable Roy," Freedman looked at her patient, pen and pad at the ready.

"Yeah sure," DeSoto shrugged and crossed his legs.

"Are you sure you wouldn't want some coffee? I know firemen live off the stuff," Sydney smiled getting a shake of his head.

"So John tells me you recruited him. Can I ask why?" Freedman was checking her sessions with Roy against what John had said.

"Well you see doc," Roy smiled, "I think it was the other way around. Johnny really did his homework and asked a lot of tough questions."

"So is that why you chose him as a partner once you were certified?" Sydney smiled.

Roy shifted in his chair and cleared his throat. "I chose Johnny because he was top of the class and one of the best. He works well under pressure, can calm down patients like you can't believe and it was dam-darned good paramedic. That's why I chose Johnny doctor," he said forcefully.

"Oh," Freedman was taken aback. "And you're not friends?"

DeSoto shifted again in his chair and sighed. "Work friends you'd call it. I'm sure Cap explained the weird schedules firemen work and all."

Freeman nodded. "Yes and that is why you 'hang out' with John? What about the eighty year old engine?"

Roy clasped his hands in his lap. _Don't you ever let up lady? _ "Well it's for fire prevention, you know. Parades, demonstrations its job related."

"Job related," Freedman looked at her notes. John lovingly described working on the engine with his best buddy, friend and co worker.

"But I understand your children call John an uncle. That is not something you would do with work friends, or am I misunderstanding something Roy." The therapist said softly.

"No, it's just, well," Roy sighed. "Johnny is just Johnny. I mean he can flirt with eighty year old women and two year olds. At accidents with kids he just really good at what he does, you know."

"Yes but what about your friendship?" Freedman returned to the subject.

"Yeah we're friends how could we not be doc? I mean when you work that close to a guy how could you not be. It's just…we're friends and leave it at that," Roy played with the hem of his jeans.

"Oh I see," Freedman made a notation in her notebook.

"No, you don't see doc," Roy was getting frustrated. "Look I trust Johnny with my life, okay. I trust him to watch my back, protect me and I do the same for him. I guess it's something you wouldn't understand. Yeah, Johnny drives me nuts sometimes but I wouldn't have any other partner in the world. Do you understand that?" He said forcefully.

"Yes I think I do. I'm familiar with it from the military. You may hate your buddy's guts but you will protect and watch over him. Right Roy?" Sydney looked at the man.

"NO, doc you got it all wrong. I don't hate Johnny, it's just he's an acquired taste all right. Stop putting words in my mouth," Roy stood up. "Look the only reason I came here was to help Johnny and you're not helping. You're going to twist things up and ruin him. We're good friends all right!" Roy turned towards the door. "I wouldn't want anything bad to happen to him. Just get him better." DeSoto quickly walked from the office sticking his shaking hands in his pockets, trying to get his breathing under control.

Once in his car, he gunned the engine, cussing out the shrink and her twisting of his words. He'd make Johnny understand, how he had failed him and failed him miserably. Johnny was a good friend, he hadn't been.

Freedman looked at her notes with Roy DeSoto and her patient. There seemed to be two different points of view. She hoped another session with Roy DeSoto would help clarify things.

************

John was getting tired of doing nothing. He had done nothing but talk for the last three weeks and he ached to do something more. No TV or phones made him restless. At least he was fighting fires he was anxious to do something anything.

**********

"So tell me Kell, how long have you known John Gage?" Freedman looked at the tired doctor.

"Oh since he was a rescue man with the department and we haven't always gotten along either," Kell took a long drink of his coffee.

"Oh!" Freedman smiled. "I can't imagine you not getting along with anyone at all Kell. What with your winning personality."

"Ha. Ha. I guess maybe I was a catalyst for Johnny joining the paramedics. He brought in a cardiac patient that died on the way in. Kinda forced the issue, you know," Kell sighed. "I should have seen the signs Sydney. My God how could I have been so blind?"

"I hate to break this to you Kell, but you're human and John is a friend, I hope?" Sydney smiled.

"A friend? Yeah I guess, is there something you're not telling me Doctor? I know for a fact Roy and John are best friends, they look out for each other with their lives." Brackett defended the duo.

"How perceptive of you Kell. How do you figure that?" Freedman wrote notes.

"Well let's just say DeSoto hasn't been happy without Johnny by his side. Oh he may complain a lot but they are a really great team one of the best in my opinion," Kell stated with finality.

"Do you believe that's true Kell? I've been getting conflicting accounts from both parties. I know I shouldn't be telling you this but you've seen these men in action. John swears Roy is his best buddy, friend for life and he trusts him with his life. Roy swears they are just work buddies, nothing else. I'm deeply troubled." The therapist admitted her frustration.

"I'm sorry Sydney I can only tell you what I've seen. When either of them is injured each acts like they are injured. I know Johnny watches the DeSoto children and Roy helps out Johnny when he's injured. I just know Roy picked Johnny to be his partner and hasn't regretted it since." Kell steppled his fingers together. "Now that is just my professional opinion."

*****

Roy looked at John's locker wishing he could have helped him more. Instead he knew he had pushed his friend over the edge. The tenseness he overlooked when an ambulance pulled up, the hesitation to go into the ER preyed on his mind. Gage would have done more for him, had always watched his back and he had failed him.


	19. Chapter 19

AC19

John sat in his room waiting for his therapist. So far his three weeks of confinement were tiring and unsatisfactory. Sure, the sessions seemed to ease his frustration and anger at himself. He was a trained professional and a little thing like an accident shouldn't have fazed him one bit. Over the course of years, he had gotten a deadly virus, been bit by a rattlesnake and been blown up too many times to count. His inability to function and support himself on his shift wore on him.

"Hey Doc," John waved as Freedman came in.

She took a seat and looked at her patient.

"So how are you today John?" She smiled and could see the frustration in her patient's face.

"If you want to know Doc, I'm going stir crazy. I want to get on with my life is all, and being stuck here, well I'm…"

"Well I'm glad to hear that," Sydney smiled. "I plan on getting you back to work, slowly of course. You can move back to your apartment and I'd thought we start at the hospital."

"Hospital?" Gage was confused.

"Yes I'm sure you're familiar with aversion therapy?" Freedman looked at her worried patient.

"Man, I'm not sure. What is aversion therapy, doc?" Johnny shook his head.

"Well, aversion therapy is a form of psychiatric, mental health or psychological treatment in which the patient is exposed to a stimulus while simultaneously being subjected to some form of discomfort. This conditioning is intended to cause the patient to associate the stimulus with unpleasant sensations in order to stop the specific behavior," Freedman frowned, "Clinically speaking of course."

"Oh," Johnny mumbled. "Well, how is that going to help me?"

"John, what we're going to do is the opposite. I'm going to have you get comfortable again in the places where you work—going to the hospital, fire station and ambulance . We will use good stimulus so you no longer feel threatened in the functions of your work. Does this make sense?" Sydney knelt down feeling the reticence in the paramedic.

"Um, man I guess. Does it work?" Gage sounded more hopeful with a small smile playing on his lips.

"Yes it works and I know it will work for you. So do you want to go home?" Freedman stood up.

"Hel-heck yes. Give me five minutes to be packed and…my car?" John sat hard on the bed.

"John, your car is back home and you have all your other keys. You have food in your kitchen and I'll pick you up in a few days to go to the hospital," she smiled and placed a gentle hand on his shoulder. "You will go back to work, I can promise you that."

#######

Walking into his apartment felt odd as he dropped his duffle on his bed and then walked around his apartment. His therapist had aired the place out and he found food in the fridge. He looked at it wondering if he should eat. Tomorrow would be his first day of trying to get back to normal. Going to the hospital didn't seem too bad. But it seemed half his shift was spent there. So many times he would be waiting for Roy at the base station after he had come in with a victim. He could do this. He could.

#######

Gage met the shrink at her office in the Veteran's hospital; he was relieved it was an out building not physically in the hospital. He arrived early, his hands sweating and his heart racing.

He greeted the doctor and sat down on the couch. Her office definitely was cozy. There were flowers, the rich smell of coffee and then the couch, along with a desk, another chair and numerous paintings and diplomas on the wall.

"Good morning," she smiled at him.

"Mornin'," Johnny grinned.

"Help yourself to coffee," she pointed to a pot on another file cabinet with the usual condiments. Getting up Gage gratefully took a cup, filled it and then sat down on the dreaded couch. Once settled she started.

"So John, tell me about your accident?" she had her pen poised and her tablet at the ready.

"Accident? It was just an accident. I was riding in the ambulance and then whamo—we got hit by a semi," John stated plainly.

'Oh, really. Well the photos made it seem severe," she set her tablet on her lap. Her seriousness scared him. He vaguely remembered being rescued, let alone his time in ICU.

Johnny swallowed, "You've seen the photos?" his voice wavered. He had never seen the photos; he wasn't about to relieve the accident. But here he was just doing it.

"Oh yes, for the incident report and the accident report," Sydney looked at her patient. Just by his face Gage was stressed. Glancing at his chart she could tell she would have to tread carefully.

"Oh," John's muted reply came out, wishing he could get rid of the images and not have them stuck in his head.

"So John, tell me about your accident," Freedman poised again with her pen and tablet.

Gage stood up, suddenly feeling the walls closing in. The damned accident, that's all anyone wanted to talk about now. Where were they a month ago? Everyone was just so damn happy he was alive. He had never told them about the nightmares or the sudden anxiety he would feel.

"Why? What's it going to change, Doc? Is it going to bring back our patient or Hal or even the driver of the semi? What's it going to do?" Johnny stuffed his hands in his pockets hoping to hide the sweat and the shakiness.

Freedman looked at the paramedic; _yes you were going to be a tough nut to crack. I heard you were a talker but maybe you need some motivation._

She led John rant for another twenty minutes, giving him a false sense of security, knowing he was giving her what she thought he wanted her to hear.

"John, tomorrow I'll meet you in the lobby of Rampart hospital, 10 a.m." Freedman could see John trying to gain control.

"Rampart?" Johnny thought he had heard wrong. _Rampart. So soon._

"Sure doc, see you tomorrow then, 10 a.m." John waved and quickly made it out of her office and to the safety of his apartment.

#######

Johnny felt butterflies as he arrived at the hospital. He was supposed to meet her in the lobby. He was used to going through the ER entrances. Crushing his cigarette out on the ground he headed into the lobby. He was taking up the bad habit again, and Gage was glad Roy hadn't seen him.

She was there, looking composed and sure of herself. Perfectly in place like Mary Poppins. Why the hell did Mary Poppins pop into his head?

"I'm glad you made it," she smiled at him. She noted the nervousness and the cigarette smell on him, also his hands firmly stuck in his jeans pockets.

"All raring to go Doc," Johnny felt his heart beat faster. He felt the small trickle of sweat going down his back and he tried to lower his respirations.

"Shall we?" she pointed towards the hallway leading the way to the ER.

_No problem. Easy as pie._ But with each step his nose was assaulted with the familiar smells of a busy hospital. The smell of alcohol, metal and disinfectant filled his unexpected nose. Suddenly he felt dizzy and leaned against the smooth wall.

"John. Are you okay?" The doc looked at the ashen faced man.

"Give me a minute," John hissed, trying to quell his uneasy stomach. Feeling the cool wall did nothing to ease the queasiness of his stomach or his heart beating out of his chest.

"All right," she gave him a comforting squeeze on his shoulder and waited.

"I…can…do….this!" Gage hissed his breath short and sporadic.

He felt a gentle tug and then he found himself outside, his head between his legs, heard a soothing voice and someone rubbing circles on his back.

"It will take some time John," she reasoned.

"I don't have time Doc. I need my work," Johnny got up and looked out into the parking lot. It was just another day at Rampart, but not for him.

"Well come back day after next," she shook his hand and she walked to her car. It was going to be more difficult than she thought. "I want to see you in my office tomorrow at ten."

Gage didn't feel like going home, he wanted—no needed—to get back to his work. Work defined him, made him and he needed it. He took another cigarette to get fortified. Angry at himself for taking up his bad habit again, he viciously crushed it into the pavement and headed to the ER alone.

He could hear his heart pounding in his ears the closer he got to the ER. Johnny could hear familiar voices of friends and co-workers. The voices seemed like underwater and Gage stopped and leaned against the wall. His wet shirt stuck to his back and his breathing was ragged. He made his way back through the lobby and outside for some fresh air.

Walking to his car he ran into Craig Brice. He wished he could get away or hide, anything to avoid seeing the perfect paramedic, which he was far from.

"Gage?" Brice approached cautiously. The man was pale, diaphoretic and he was afraid he'd pass out.

"Yeah Brice," Johnny stood taller and wiped the sweat from his face.

"Are you okay?" Brice reached for his wrist and Gage pulled it away.

"Of course I'm okay. What'd you'd expect?" Johnny threatened. He had to meet up with Brice, the one lone paramedic who didn't have one empathetic bone, let alone atom, in his whole body.

"Well, I heard different," Brice pushed up his glasses.

"Well you heard wrong," Johnny hissed. "I got to go." Gage hurried away from the perfect paramedic and into the safety of his car. A part of him wanted to see Roy. His therapist didn't tell him he couldn't but he felt in some small measure he had failed Roy. He'd just go home and wait until tomorrow and move on from there.


	20. Chapter 20

Ambulance Chaser 20

Even in his own place, sleep didn't come gently that night. Johnny couldn't find a comfortable way to sleep, tossing and turning, closing his eyes to hear the screech of tires and the crunch of metal. Sitting up in bed, he glanced at his illuminated clock radio, 3 am.

Throwing the covers off he headed to his kitchen, scratched his butt and sighed heavily.

"AT this rate I might as well kiss my career as a paramedic goodbye," Johnny said as he made coffee. The smell did nothing to brighten his mood, as he made an early breakfast of scrambled eggs and toast. He ate without tasting anything knowing the doctor had him weigh in before each session. For the moment he was able to keep food down, but that was about it.

From his window, he watched the sun rise, watched his apartment complex come alive as people scurried to work, with purpose, while he was stuck in some limbo hell. He had another four hours to kill before seeing the doctor.

Roy hated slow shifts and Brice was bugging the hell out of him.

"How is Gage doing?" Brice asked as they drove back from Rampart for supplies.

"What do you mean how is Gage doing?" Roy glanced at his pain in the ass temporary partner.

"I'm asking how Gage is doing, DeSoto. I really don't think it is at all a difficult question to answer," Brice said annoyed.

"Like you care Brice. If I recall you and Gage don't exactly get along. You think we work too fast and loose and I'm sure each shift with me must be driving you crazy," DeSoto sniped at Brice.

"Forget I asked DeSoto," Brice said as Roy backed the squad back into the bay. Craig slammed the door as he got out and quickly disappeared.

Hank peeked his head into the bay and motioned for Roy to come to his office. Hank sat on his chair and looked at his beleaguered senior paramedic.

"You okay there Roy?" Stanley asked in earnest.

"Yeah, no I can't believe that guy," Roy shook his head.

"What guy?" Stanley asked confused.

"Brice, that's who," Roy barely contained his anger. "He had the nerve to ask about Johnny. Like he gives a shit!"

Brice found himself staring at the 405 traffic and heard the squeal of tires and winced. He took off his glasses, took out a handkerchief and wiped the tears running down his face. He could still see the overturned ambulance, blood, broken glass and the putrid smell of gasoline and death.

######

Johnny sat in the chair, staring at the doctor, his therapist, the word made him ill.

"So Johnny can you tell me how you felt at the hospital?" Sydney asked calmly.

"How did I feel?" Johnny squirmed. "I don't how about a crushing weight on my chest and unable to see a foot in front of my face. Seriously doc, you were there."

"Oh yes I could see your physical reactions I'm more concerned about your internal feelings," she made a scratch in her notebook.

"Well Doc," Johnny sighed and played with the hem of his jeans. "I…I just don't get it. Hell I've spent most of my career as a firefighter at that damned hospital, first as a rescue man and now as paramedic. Frankly I just felt disappointed in myself."

Friedman looked at her patient and tried not to sigh. _When would this macho posturing go away? It doesn't make you less of a man to cry._

"Well the accident has a lot to do with it John," she said calmly.

"Accident? Accident?" Johnny was on his feet. "Why is everything back to that freaking accident? I've been in plenty doc this was no different," he tried to convince himself.

"Really no different. As you watched a semi barreling down on you and you had no escape as you watched it hit you and then roll the ambulance a few times. It was no different," she scratched in her notebook again.

Johnny was in the ambulance again, he quickly checked his pulse and found it raced he could feel the sweat on his forehead and on his upper lip but was frozen to move.

"John. John are you all right," Friedman touched him on the shoulder.

Johnny jumped back a few feet.

"What the hell did you do that for?" He said breathlessly and out of control.

"John, why don't we call it a day. I'll see you tomorrow okay," she said gently.

Johnny turned to leave.

"There's one other thing," she handed him a plain notebook. "I want to write something in this everyday."

"Everyday?" Johnny took it reluctantly.

"Look John it doesn't have to be a novel. It could one word or a thousand. There is no pressure. But I want to see what you write in it and it will be between us. Okay," she reassured him.

"Um sure Doc, Johnny shrugged. "See ya tomorrow."


	21. Chapter 21

Ambulance Chaser 21

Johnny left his therapist's office drained, but had no desire to stare at four walls. He gunned his engine and headed out of the parking lot to somewhere.

He found himself at his favorite beach, usually he could decompress after a bad shift, but lately his whole life was a long, enduring bad shift. Pulling into the sparse parking lot, the sea air and laughing voices did nothing to ease his pain. Looking down he stared at the seemingly harmless notebook. It looked no different then the ones he had used at school, only the bright yellow cover intimated him for some reason, or maybe it was the white, stark empty pages which reflected his life at the moment. He reluctantly grabbed the notebook and got out of his car, slamming the door closed with his frustration.

Settling in at a picnic table near the snack shack, he watched as families, teenagers and couples headed to the sand. He really wasn't in the mood to deal with sand in his tennis shoes. The surf was high and he noted the red flag warning at the lifeguard station.

Johnny automatically went into firefighter mode and then relaxed, his stomach growled in protest and he sighed heavily. Clutching his slim notebook, he headed to the snack shack, getting a chili cheese dog, chips, Coke and a cookie. Sitting down at the still vacant picnic tables, he ate in silence and watched the surfers in the distance. He could see the crash of the waves on the beach, the smell of coconut of sunscreen and heard a bit of country, rock and disco.

Finished eating, he wiped his hands and mouth and tossed his trash in a nearby trash can. Getting comfortable he opened the first page of his notebook, the whiteness of the page blinded him as the sun reflected off the new clean page. Unhooking the pen off the front cover he poised to write something, anything to satisfy his therapist.

Instead he looked up at the passing scene and closed his eyes, in an instant he was back in the crushed ambulance and loud indistinct voices filled his ears along with crushing pain in his chest. He wanted to scream for help but couldn't, his vision blurred and disappeared and he still couldn't move, no one was helping him.

When Johnny opened his eyes again, he found it cold and dark. He could smell wood smoke from the fire pits, along with marshmallows and hot dogs. Guitar music filtered through the air and he shrived. Looking at his still blank page he quickly wrote **cold and tired. ** Shutting the horrid book, he took it and headed for home.

Once home, he had left the notebook in the car, he quickly stripped hoping to get warm. His clothes were damp and wet from the fog which had rolled in. Stripping, he made the shower as hot as possible, the bathroom filled with steam and he still couldn't get warm. Turning off the water, he toweled dried off and headed to his bedroom. He found sweats and socks. Getting dressed gave him some warmth and then he headed to his thermostat and cranked the heater up to 80. Tired he turned out the lamp in his living room and crawled into bed.

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Chet looked at the huge mound of dirty clothes, more than a month's worth. Staring at he had no desire to go to his usual Laundromat, the chance of picking up a chick would be zilch. Sighing, he decided where to go, a nice launderia and the best carne asada's in town, next to his friend's Marco's of course.

Packing up his van with two large garbage bags of clothes, he went to the cab and prayed the car would start. Making a grinding noise, Chet put it in gear and headed to the laundaria. Loud mariachi music blasted out of the parking lot and he lugged his two bags to one row of washers in the back. The place was huge and he was just another gringo doing laundry. The women were watching the novella on the overhead TV and he went about loading up five washers.

Before long Chet's stomach grumbled, knowing his clothes was safe he headed to the tacqueria and got his carne asada burrito and a chile rellano. Brining it back to the launderia he munched happily as his clothes were cycled in the washing machines. He had finished eating just has his clothes made it through the final spin cycle.

Claiming five dryers he threw his clothes the dryers and noticed the launderia had emptied of women and children. Not that he had paid that much attention mainly focusing on his chore at the time.

Once finished drying he carefully folded his clothes in the two black garbage bags and reversed the process. Climbing up the two flights of stairs to his apartment he dumped his now clean clothes in the center of his living room and headed to the kitchen. He was hungry again.

Taking out his whole wheat bread, organic lettuce and tomato and fresh organic turkey slices, Chet's mouth watered. Opening a drawer, he took out his perfectly sharp serrated knife to cut into the beautiful ripe and rich tomato. He watched as he carefully sliced the first perfect slice, then cut into his finger. Blood splattered on the counter, he looked down and suddenly he was at his pigeon's accident. Still frozen like he was there, a trained professional and he stood there. He watched as 16's extracted his fellow brother and watched as the ambulance whisked his away. He could still hear the crunch of his boots on the broken glass, the smell of gasoline and death.

Letting a breath out he noted his now blood covered counter and the fact he wasn't hungry anymore. Throwing his produce, bread and turkey in the trash, he took a few paper towels to clean the blood, the smell making him nauseous. He pulled a large bandage from his junk drawer, wrapped his cut finger and decided to go to bed. He was exhausted.

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Marco usually enjoyed his large family gatherings, sisters, brothers, cousins, aunts and uncles filled the small little house his parents owned. Out in the backyard, tables were set with bright, plastic tablecloths and chairs. Grills were fired up and lots of food was laid out for family. Loud music played from the stereo and laughter and talked filled the air.

But this time was different, Marco was on edge, even though the last party had only been two months ago. Forcing a smile on his face, he tried to be generous to his never-ending family and enjoy the festivities.

However, the loud party was stopped when one of his cousins, claimed her daughter was nowhere to be found. Marco quickly left the backyard and headed towards the front yard. There was a large spruce where the youngsters always went to play, just before he made it he heard the squeal of tires and froze. Marco was no longer in his parent's front yard but on the street of his amigo's accident. Broken glass crushed into his boots and the smell of gasoline filled his nostrils.

Marco heard screaming and realized he niece was crying in her mother's arms. He had no recollection where everyone had come from, the front yard now filled with a dozen loud people.

Suddenly feeling shaky, he said goodbye to his folks and guests. The drive home seemed like an eternity and he longed for peace and quiet. Opening the door to his dark apartment, he walked to his bedroom, stripped and climbed into bed, hoping for a deep sleep.


	22. Chapter 22

AC22

Dr. Sydney Friedman tapped her pen on John Gage's folder. She would have to do something drastic if she ever expected the man to have a breakthrough. John Gage was still in denial of the horrendous accident he was in. Even she had seen it on the news that day; in fact it was in all the local broadcasts, she wondered if Gage knew this.

Well, it was time to do something drastic.

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Johnny drove by the station, how he'd missed it. Yes, he liked being a paramedic and it killed him he was on the outside looking in. The shrink seemed to be making something out of nothing. He had felt better and he knew it, Rampart wasn't too far away. He didn't need the shrink holding his hand.

Parking his car in the visitor's parking lot, he looked at the hospital. Very rarely had he come through the visitors and admissions entrance, since he always came through the emergency entrance even when visiting friends.

He turned off the engine and sat listening to the radio. Watching people come and go with purpose he felt lost. His foot tapping on the floor of his Rover, Johnny pulled out a cigarette and lit up. Taking a long hard drag, he let out the smoke, hoping it would calm him. Three cigarettes more and he got out of the car, slamming the door hard, he walked to the walkway. Automatic doors opened and closed and he stood there, people walked around him. Sighing heavily he took a few steps towards the entrance and then froze, he saw a nurse he knew, in fact it was Dixie, but it was too late.

"Why, hello there stranger," Dixie's said coyly.

"Um, hi Dix," Johnny said, unsure and afraid of his voice. He could feel his heart pound against his chest and felt sweat form on his upper lip.

"So, have you come to buy me lunch?" Dixie said playfully and took his arm. Her white uniform blinded him.

"Um, lunch?" Johnny said distractedly, having completely losing time in his car. His hands were now sweaty and he felt faint.

"Yeah, lunch. Johnny are you okay?" Dixie took his wrist and with her other hand looked at her watch. Her professional demeanor scared him.

Johnny quickly took his wrist back and swatted her back.

"I'm okay, sure, I'm okay. Why, I'll be back to work before you know it," Johnny said purposefully, but felt useless and tired. Looking up at the hospital he could feel the color drain from his face.

"Johnny, c'mon let me buy you lunch," Dixie hooked her arm around his, and they started towards admissions.

Johnny froze again, this time he was sure Dixie could feel his heart beating and then he quickly wiped the sweat from his face wishing he had never come to Rampart.

"Um, look Dixie, I'd love to…I really would but I got to go," Johnny carefully removed his arm from Dixie.

"Johnny..."

Johnny waved to Dixie and wanted to run back to his car, but couldn't make a fool of himself in front of his friend. Once to his car, his hands were shaking and it took him three times to start the car. Only when he had driven a few miles away from Rampart did his heart stop pounding and his hands stop shaking.

Nurse Dixie McCall watched as her friend drove away and mentally kicked herself. She had been her normal self as she watched Johnny Gage disintegrate in front of her. She wiped at her eyes, remembering the accident and the condition of her friend.

Feeling like a complete fool, Johnny headed home. Home to his empty apartment, slamming his car door, he locked it and headed up to his apartment. The building was quiet because everyone was at work but him. He even missed his bothersome neighbors as they somehow knew something was wrong with him.

Opening the door, he closed it behind him and headed to his refrigerator door and looked at the shift schedule. Roy was off and Johnny was half tempted to call him, but couldn't get the look of disappointment he saw from his best friend when he told him to stop the squad. Another reason he couldn't go to the station, he had seen the disappointment and disgust on their faces.

Johnny looked at his shrink as she wrote in her notebook. Yes, he had written in his, only a few words.

"Tell me John, how do you feel about ambulances?" Sydney sprang into action.

"Ambulances?" Johnny swallowed thinking of the ambulance he had been in.

"Yes, in relation to your job as a paramedic of course," Friedman smiled and could see her patient relaxed a bit.

"Oh, um, yeah…" Johnny stammered. "There are all types of ambulances."

"So when you're on a run, do you have any say in the one you get?" Sydney wrote in her notebook.

"Um no. We just have to make do with what we get. Let me tell you sometimes they are a pain in the ass, with all our equipment and the patient," Johnny lamented.

Sydney smiled inwardly.

"Well I'm glad you feel that way" Sydney put down her notebook, stood up and headed to her desk. Reaching on top, she took the card she had been waiting to use.

"Here," Sydney handed John a card.

"Valley Ambulance Manufacturing," John read out loud.

"Yes, they are friends of mine and would like to use you as sort of a focus group," Sydney sat down and got relaxed.

"Focus group?" Johnny asked confused.

"Yes, since paramedics are their prime customers, along with fire departments. He wants your input on configurations and the like," Sydney explained.

"Oh yeah," Johnny leaned back into the chair. "Man,ambulance configurations make a big difference. I can't tell you how many times I've had to hold onto my bio phone and my drug box otherwise they'd be all over the ambulance. There was this one time…."

"All right, I'll see you at ten A.M. this Thursday. They are expecting you so just check in at the front office," Sydney stood up.

Johnny stood up relieved his session was over and besides, checking out ambulances would be a piece of cake.

"See ya Thursday doc," Johnny waved and left the doctor's office.


	23. Chapter 23

AC23

Sydney checked her watch again, 10:10 AM., a part of her wasn't surprised. Her patient John Gage acted as if ambulances were nothing, as he went on for another 20 minutes before she said their session was over. However if her theory was right, today would be the start of something.

Johnny parked the car and looked at the large concrete building, nothing foreboding to it. Valley Ambulance Manufacturing was displayed boldly on the building and he could see the doors. Traffic had been a bitch along with parking in the jammed industrial cul-de-sac. Sprinklers were running in front of the company, making the sweet smell of wet grass and smog. Climbing out of his car, Johnny crushed his cigarette on the ground, closed and locked the door. He stuck his car keys in his jean pocket and headed toward the factory.

Opening the office door, cool air conditioning greeted him, since the valley was known for its heat.

"Good morning," a pretty brunette greeted him.

Under normal circumstances he would to have flirted with her, maybe even get her number, but that wasn't meant to be.

"Um, I'm John Gage," Johnny said. "I'm supposed to meet my doc-friend here."

"Oh, yes," the pretty receptionist said. "She's in the back showroom. Let me get you a visitor badge and Greg will take you back. Could you please sign in?"

She pointed to a visitor's clipboard and he signed in and was given a badge.

Greg was a surfer blonde type; his muscular six feet made Gage feel small. They went through the factory with different vehicles in various states of remodel. Johnny followed quietly until they reached a set of double doors.

They stopped in front of them.

"Dr. Friedman is through those doors. Don't forget to turn in your visitor's badge before you leave," Greg stated, turned around and disappeared into the busy factory floor.

Taking a deep breath, Johnny went to the double doors to find a gleaming showroom. He counted six different types of ambulances and felt his pulse quicken. Looking around he saw all the ambulances doors were open, from side doors, driver and passenger and then back door.

"Oh, John, there you are," Sydney found her patient. Although she was dressed in jeans, she still held her professional doctor-patient demeanor.

"Um, sorry,Doc. Traffic sucked," John explained suddenly feeling like he got caught at something.

"Not a problem. Shall we get started? The sooner we finish, the sooner you can go," Sydney explained.

"Yeah, sure," Johnny stuck his hands in his pocket.

"Will, let's start with the farthest one first, shall we," Friedman took John to the farthest ambulance.

It was then John noticed the showroom opened up to the back parking lot. There were canopied picnic benches along with cars. Somehow he hadn't felt the valley heat in the showroom.

The first ambulance reminded him of the ones Roy and he had used when they were first paramedics, very basic. Johnny was now glad; the doors were open as he climbed in.

A familiar new car smell it him, leather, plastic and metal assaulted his nose. He slid on the one of the two benches in the interior and then noticed the clipboard. Sydney followed him in.

"Go ahead. The owner is quite interested in what you have to say," Sydney reached over for the clipboard which was sitting on the other bench and handed it to him.

Johnny noticed his palms were sweaty and his heart skipped a beat every now and then. He took a deep breath, he wasn't on a call, and the ambulance wasn't moving. Taking the pencil in his sweaty and shaky hand, he made check marks on the survey and felt no urge to make any more comments.

He proudly placed the finished survey back on the bench and happily slid out of the vehicle. On to the next ambulance, Johnny quickly noticed his respirations increasing along with his heartbeat, but his shrink didn't seem to notice.

Sydney watched and waited patiently as they were at the third ambulance. She had made the changes gradually as they slowly made their way to the ambulance which closely held the configuration John Gage was riding in on his fateful day.

Climbing out of the third ambulance Johnny noticed a very familiar shaped ambulance and suddenly he wanted to get out of this showroom. Plastering a smile on his face, he climbed into the back of the ambulance; a sickening sense of déjà vu attacked his whole body.

"So, what do you think of this one?" Sydney asked her patient only to be met with silence. "John?"

"Huh?"Johnny was mesmerized by the interior as his heightened senses relieved those last few minutes in the undamaged ambulance. Rushing sounds now filled his ears and then he heard a door slam. Suddenly he was locked in the ambulance.

"Oh, the wind must have knocked it closed. But we won't be here long," Sydney said to the silent interior.

Johnny no longer heard his shrink but could see the Mack truck barreling towards him as he held tightly onto the bio phone as his patient lay there, helpless as he was. Bile encroached on his throat, heading towards his now dry mouth, his pulse raced and his shirt now stuck to his back.

Climbing over Friedman, Johnny pushed the door of the ambulance open and jumped down, running quickly to the metal trash can near the employee break area. He heaved until there was nothing left, spent; he hugged onto the hot metal trashcan for dear life.

Suddenly, he felt cooling relief on the back of his neck and was helped to one of the canopied tables. More cooling relief was on the back of his neck and now his forehead.

Once able to gain his composure Johnny glared at Friedman.

"Damn you," Johnny whispered. "You knew this was going to happen." He closed his eyes as sights and sounds of his accident wouldn't go away.

"I was hoping," Friedman stated. "Let's say I was testing out a theory."

"A theory, huh?" Johnny said with disgust.

"Yes, now I want you to confirm it for me," Sydney took out her notebook.

"What?" Johnny glared at her, through slitted eyes and then a Styrofoam cup appeared.

"Drink it. It will make you feel better," Sydney insisted.

Wary, Johnny took a drink to find it was sweet orange juice, thirstily drinking it; he felt better and was given another one.

"So, what do you want to know?" Johnny sat up, didn't look at the shrink and watched the heat rise from the blacktop.

"I think you have an idea, John. Tell me when you first started feeling anxious at your job, after the accident and return to duty," Sydney said gently.

Johnny then looked at Friedman, turned around and looked at the showroom. He had been set up.

"Yeah, Doc, your theory was right. Make you happy?" Johnny sneered as he wiped the sweat from his upper lip.

"C'mon, John, there's more to that and you know it," Sydney said with impatience.

"Fine," Johnny snorted. "I was back a few weeks and Roy and I were on a call. Heart attack. We had him under control and then I could hear the ambulance. The wailing siren usually meant a good thing. I mean it meant we were taking our patient to Rampart and move on. But this time…." Johnny looked out at the parking lot.

Johnny looked at his cup and tore a small piece and placed it in the bottom of the cup. He cleared his throat.

"This time, the hairs on the back of my neck stood up and I started to feel a bit queasy. I think Roy said something because he sounded pissed once the ambulance arrived. I, um, slowed down purposefully so I wouldn't have to ride in with the patient. I don't think Roy noticed but I was damn glad when he was gone. Yeah, it started with the ambulance." By the time he had finished, the cup was overflowing the pieces he had torn off.

Sydney was smiling.

"So, is this what you call a breakthrough?" Johnny looked at the beaming shrink.

"Yes, John, you had a breakthrough and now I think we can really begin some work to get you back to work," Sydney got up, tucking her notebook in her large purse.  
"I'm going to feed you lunch and then you can go home. We'll start fresh on Monday."

Johnny stood up, woozy but knew he needed food and quietly followed the doctor back into the air conditioned building.


	24. Chapter 24

AC24

Johnny was exhausted by the time he left the ambulance company, and when he looked at his watch, he saw that it was way past two. It would take him hours to get back home, as he would hit rush hour. Lunch hadn't been bad until his shrink decided to have a session outlaying what work he would have to do to get back to work. He was both excited and scared, scared he would fail again. Climbing into his Rover he stifled a yawn, rolled down his windows and turned on his radio full blast. He had to get home somehow, hopefully without pulling off the freeway and puking his guts out again

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Roy continued to stare at the phone, biting his lower lip in indecision. It was 2:15 PM. All week long he had been thinking of his best friend and paramedic partner, it was hard not to as he had drawn Craig Brice as his partner du jour. A paramedic the opposite of his friend. The black phone beckoned him to not only call Johnny but check to make sure he was okay. He didn't abide by the no news is good news. He was tapping his fingers on the counter when a pair of arms wrapped around his waist.

Turning around he looked down and looked into the beautiful blue green eyes of his wife Joanne. The house seemed too quiet, with the sound of mowers, kids laughing and the general noises of his neighborhood.

"Honey," Joanne smiled, "are you waiting for a phone call?" she asked innocently.

Wrapping his arms around his wife, he felt guiltily.

"Not exactly," Roy shrugged. He had hoped Johnny would have called him by now. It's not like his shrink said he couldn't call or maybe he had been wrong.

"What is 'not exactly", Joanne asked, confused.

"Well I was thinking of calling Johnny," Roy tried to explain, explain how he had let his best friend down, pushing Johnny when he should have been helping him.

"I think that would be nice. It's been ages since Johnny had dinner with us," Joanne tapped Roy's butt. "I have to pick up the kids from school and then do some shopping. "

"Okay, I'll call him," Roy said with great resolve, hoping Johnny would forgive him.

Joanne kissed him hard on the mouth and then left.

Roy picked up the handset, punched in the numbers and waited. He had lost count of how many times it rang and he slowly hung up the phone. Well, maybe Johnny wasn't quite ready to see him.

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It was close to six by the time Johnny got home; he held tightly onto his notebook and set it on his small kitchen table. Opening the fridge he made some bologna sandwiches along with a two glasses of milk. Eating quickly he policed his table and sat down with purpose.

Opening up his notebook to a blank, white page, thoughts came pouring out on his accident. Fears, feelings seemed to gush like an open 1 and ½ by the time he finished it was close to 10 once again, he closed the notebook, satisfied he was on the road to getting back to work.

Taking a quick shower, brushing his teeth and doing his business he headed to bed. He was in a deep sleep, for the first time since starting therapy. He was happy he had the weekend to recuperate from his first breakthrough.

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Roy yawned and looked at the clock; it was another slow shift only reminded him of how badly he missed Johnny. Chet had grown abnormally quiet since Johnny was on disability leave. He could no longer count on a steady temporary paramedic partner. He was playing partner roulette, never knowing whom he'd be working with.

As he looked around the dayroom, his coworkers and friends had, he wasn't sure but there was something different. Roy could always count for Marco and Chet to be up to something but now they were at opposite ends of the dayroom. Chet sat on the couch reading a comic book with Henry in his lap. Marco seemed too busy in the kitchen as he cleaned out the fridge. Stoker had disappeared into the bay, seemingly engrossed with Big Red. His partner du jour was outside throwing baskets. Stanley, was the only one who hadn't changed, Cap was stuck in his office with paperwork.

Yes, the station house had grown abysmal and abnormally quiet.

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Johnny pulled into the parking lot of the Vet center. He had accomplished a lot, finally admitting to his problem. His shrink said he would be taking two steps forward and one back, but he didn't think so. Grabbing his notebook, he locked his car and headed to the office.

Once in his therapist's office he poured himself a cup of coffee and waited. Sydney came into her office to find a beaming patient, she knew it wouldn't last.

"John you're early," Sydney went to her desk, took John's file off the top and her notebook.

"So, how was your weekend?" she asked as John proudly handed his notebook to her.

"Productive doc, real productive. Why, I just couldn't stop writing," Johnny said proudly. "I mean it was liberating. I think I'll be to work in no time at all."

"Yes, well that remains to be seen John. Like I said, we have a lot of work ahead of us. Grueling, heart breaking work," Sydney said calmly as she watched her patient's face be filled with worry.

"John, I know you want to get back to work, but, like I said at the factory, you have a lot of underlying issues we have to work on. Then I promise you, can go back to being a paramedic." Sydney tried to temper her comments.

"All right Doc, I'm going to hold you to that," Johnny said with a vengeance. Dammit, he was going back to work.

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Johnny's first assignment wasn't exciting as he thought. He spent a shift with an ambulance crew, luckily it was in another part of the county so any firefighters or paramedics he ran into didn't really know him. Things had been going well until a near miss.

The loud honking sound of the semi made him stop breathing, black and white dots danced in front of his eyes. Once they arrived at the hospital, Johnny ended up spending twenty minutes in the head, puking his guts out and ready to call it quits for the shift.

One of the attendants came into the head while he stood in front of the mirror trying to get his nerve up.

"Hey Gage, you okay? We thought you had fallen in," Mel Harvey joked. Mel, a man in his fifties had a sick sense of humor.

"Very funny. It's just…." Johnny sighed and wondered how much a cab ride would cost him.

"Gage we know your problem kay. Friedman's a damn good shrink and we'll just wait here for our next call. Take it easy and you should get something in your stomach, it's going to be a long fricken night," Harvey patted him on the back and then left him alone.

Johnny found himself at the hospital's cafeteria; he was hungry and decided on hamburger and fries. Sitting at a table he found himself staring at two sets of paramedics wolfing down their meal. He slowly chewed his hamburger and wondered if that would be him, soon.


	25. Chapter 25

AC 25

After the disastrous ambulance shift Johnny had no motivation to see Friedman. He knew what happened had been reported back to her. Seems Mel was a vet who had gone to Friedman for help and then helped him. Friedman was some sort of miracle worker, or so Mel said. Right now Johnny felt he was quickly going down the rabbit hole and would never get out.

While taking a quick shower before his 2 PM appt he went over the disastrous shift and felt he hadn't made any progress at all.

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Johnny sullenly sat in the chair as Sydney looked at him. His legs crossed he played with the frayed cuff of his jeans.

"I take it the ride along didn't go so well?" Friedman asked pen poised to write her notes. Her smile contrasted to Johnny's deep frown.

"Ya think Doc? Okay, you were right, but dammit I was this close," Johnny held his index and thumb millimeters apart, "from going the whole shift."

Sydney nodded knowingly.

"But you knew this was going to happen didn't you?" Johnny accused her and could see the wheels turning in his therapist's eyes.

"Yes, so tell me about the hospital?" the therapist asked as she smiled with her little secret.

"Hospital?" Johnny then realized it wasn't the hospital that made him puke, but the ambulance ride.

"It was okay. I mean I ate in the cafeteria no problem," Johnny smiled, seemed he had conquered one obstacle and then pulled back.

"Hey, you're pretty damn sneaky," Johnny grinned. "Nope, no problem at the hospital."

Sydney gave him a knowing look.

Johnny held up his hands.

"All right, I'll know. I'll know." Johnny sighed. Things would get worse before they got better

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Sitting on the leather couch, with Henry's head in his lap, Roy chewed on his lower lip as he read the paper, he could hear Chet and Marco making dinner. Roy again forgot what story he had been reading as Chet and Marco got louder.

"I said small pieces Chet," Marco said with frustration, his voice edged with a bite.

"Hey I want to be able to taste my food Marco," Chet whined and continued cutting the carrots.

"Cabeza de mierda, su problema más que su valor," Marco muttered. "Don't you listen Chet, small pieces!"

"Hey they are small pieces," Chet explained and tapped the knife on the cutting board.

"Small, you call these small," Marco complained. "Go get out of my kitchen, now"

Chet headed towards the TV. He turned up the volume real loud, scraped a chair from the dining table and sat down hard.

"Estúpido good for nothing gringo. No podía seguir indicaciones si su vida dependiera de él," Marco muttered and continued working.

Unable to stand the noise, Roy threw the paper down on the couch and stormed out of the dayroom, slamming the door behind him. No one came after him.

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It only took Johnny three shifts before he was able to take riding in an ambulance again, even his therapist was surprised. But he almost lost his lunch a few times but didn't need to tell her. Mel had seen everything and reported it back.

"So, ready to work in a hospital?" Sydney said sensing John's nervousness.

"Hospital?" Johnny's voice squeaked.

"Yes, don't worry it will be a hospital way out of your district, but still in Los Angeles county since you're still a certified paramedic." The therapist assured.

"Sure Doc whatever you say," Johnny tried to convince himself.

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Johnny pulled up to the small hospital; it was still in Los Angeles County but was a private hospital, with an emergency room. Getting out of his car, he took a deep calming breath, steeled himself as he walked through the emergency room doors. His heart beat in rhythm to his footsteps as he made his way through to the quiet hall and to the nurse's station.

Finding the nurse's station, he waited patiently until she got off the phone. In the meantime, he surveyed the quiet, subdued interior. There were nice comfortable chairs in the waiting room and soft music played in the background. Sure, he could smell alcohol and all the normal scents of a hospital, but somehow they were muted, just like the soft brown carpeting on the floor.

"Hi," Johnny gave her his best Gage charm, "I'm here to see Dr. Bennington."

"Oh yes, she's in her office," Nurse Jones pointed, "turn right and go to the end of the corridor." She seemed like no nonsense nurse, so he made a mental note to not get her pissed.

"Um, thanks." Johnny cleared his throat and headed towards the office. Knocking on the door, he found the head of the ER hunched over paperwork, making him homesick for Rampart.

"Please sit," Bennington pointed to a chair in front of her desk. "Sydney briefed me on your case. Just so you know Sydney and I went to medical school together."

Johnny fidgeted in his chair and he looked into Bennington's blue eyes. She reminded him of his therapist and tried to concentrate as his stomach was now doing flip flops.

"John, can I call you John?" Bennington inquired.

"Yeah, John is fine."

"You'll be fine. Either me or one of the other doctors on staff will be with you. They have been briefed, believe me John if I thought you were a threat to the health of my patients you would never be here," Bennington stood up and walked around her desk. "C'mon let me introduce you to the other staff members."

His shift was going fine. He had help set a broken leg, started an IV for heat exhaustion and taken a red top. He had been at the nurse's station going through charts, then on the PA he heard it.

"CODE BLUE. CODE BLUE. ROOM 108."

Johnny followed the rest of the staff to the room. It was crowded with a doctor, two nurses, an orderly and now him.

"Defib," the doctor called.

Johnny heard the familiar hum of the defibrillator. He watched as the doctor placed the paddles and defib the patient.

As he watched doctors and nurse work frantically to save the patient, their voices and sounds became muddled, black and white stars danced in front of his eyes and he felt wobbly in the knees. He backed up, hit something and heard things crashing to the floor, taking his right hand he felt behind him and then suddenly he was back in the ambulance with their heart patient.

Brackett had just asked for another strip. Johnny heard the whine again of the defibrillator, someone calling out, and then the world went black.

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When Johnny opened his eyes, he found he was in a treatment room with an IV and a nurse.

"Mr. Gage, you're awake. I'll get the doctor," the nurse quietly left leaving him to his misery.

Johnny closed his eyes sighing and then heard the door open. Bennington walked in.

"Hey, Doc," Johnny lifted up his non IV'd arm.

"John, how are you?" Bennington asked as she took his pulse, respirations and blood pressure.

Johnny laid there in silence and defeat. Seems like he was going one step forward and three steps back.

Johnny sat up, much to the chagrin of the Bennington.

"Look Doc I know the drill, believe me I know the drill," Johnny lamented. "Can we try this again, say day after tomorrow?"

Bennington nodded. "The nurse is bringing you lunch, you eat all of it and then you can go home. Sydney is expecting you tomorrow."

Johnny nodded. Déjà vu all over again, he frowned.


End file.
